My teenage daughter won’t talk to me
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QI am in my 50s, and six months ago I left my wife for someone else after years of an unhappy marriage. I don’t feel good about breaking up with her, but I really tried to make it work and in the end could see no other choice. My wife was always negative and would moan about almost everything I did. She showed me little affection and at times I wondered if she had ever loved me or only wanted me for my financial and emotional stability. Eventually, perhaps inevitably, I started an affair after falling for a former colleague who lent a sympathetic ear. However, while I am now incredibly happy with my new partner – happier than I’ve ever been – I’m distraught that my teenage daughter won’t speak to me or have anything to do with me. Her elder brother is more sympathetic, but my daughter has sided with her mum. I know my wife isn’t coping well and I feel really sorry and concerned for her. A few days ago, my daughter rang me shouting, ‘How could you do this to Mum? You know she can’t cope. How could you be so selfish?’ I know that my ex is vilifying me to our children. How can I get my daughter to understand that I was utterly miserable and had to leave?
AIt is heartbreaking that your daughter won’t see you. In your longer letter, it is clear that you really did try to make things better with your wife, including going to counselling. So when you say it was ‘perhaps inevitable’ that you fell in love with someone else, you might indeed be right, because you didn’t feel loved at home. Unfortunately, it will be hard for your daughter to see this. Often when one partner leaves a marriage, even with a valid reason, the other gets all the sympathy. Moreover, young people can be judgmental, seeing things only in terms of right and wrong, simply because they don’t have the life experience to know how complex and difficult marriages can be. Also, of course, your daughter will see how upset her mother is and this will have an impact on her views. I know it’s not a great deal of comfort now, but one day your daughter will understand the situation better. Hold on to that and, in the meantime, write to her. Keep it short and simple and be careful not to justify your actions. Just tell her how much you love her, how sad and concerned you are for her mum and that you wish you had not had to hurt her so much. Explain that you had been very unhappy for many years. If she tears your letter up and sends it back, leave it a while, then write again. Give her space and time to calm down – be patient, just keep repeating that you love her. Hopefully, the continued contact with your son might help persuade her that you are not all bad. You could try asking someone to explain gently to your ex that it can be very damaging for children to be alienated from one of their parents. That it is in your daughter’s best interests to maintain a good relationship with you.
I know that my ex is vilifying me to our children
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