Garage flowers? You shouldn’t have!

HERE’S WHAT WOMEN REALLY WANT FROM VALENTINE’S GIFTS

Last year I got a Valentine’s Day card. There was a picture of me and the boyfriend embracing on the cover and inside a touching message declaring his love. To someone called Amelia.

Before you choke on your muesli (as I did) there is a plausible explanation. He had ordered a personalised card (tick!) online from Moonpig but when he entered my name into the box there was an error and it defaulted to the standard name – which is Amelia. He now concedes that trying to order a card while simultaneously sweating it out on the cross-trainer was overambitious.

Valentine’s Day is the time when the gulf between expectation (usually from women) and reality (usually delivered by men) is the widest. And this, in my experience, causes more friction than cheap tights. Because ever since we dressed up in that princess frock at nursery, those of us with XX chromosomes have been fed the message that how loved/respected/ appreciated we are by our partner is bound up with the gifts we get on this day. That our value is somehow contingent on them.

Men, on the other hand, seem reluctant to embrace February 14th, muttering about commercialisation, nauseating sentimentality and grating levels of expectation. It’s a minefield. So, as a starting point – and in the spirit of get-it-out-on-the-table honesty – I’ve laid out what women really want from Valentine’s gifts. Feel free to slide it under your man’s nose.

1 Cards I think most men see cards as fairly pointless, and thus if you get one it’s likely to be a cheap version from the corner shop. Warning: it may also have a ‘joke’ on it. As a rule, women would prefer a beautiful card that’s like a work of art, which will have cost upwards of a fiver. Oh, and ideally it will have some declaration of undying love inside that manages to be poignant yet non-cheesy.

2 A meal in On special occasions such as Valentine’s Day your partner may cook you a meal. Again, this is not really our heart’s desire. No offence, but if cooking is not a regular occurrence for the man concerned then he is unlikely to conjure up a culinary masterpiece. And because he’s made so much effort (mess) you will be expected to do the washing up. My ex once made me a steak dinner. The sides were an afterthought and he eventually settled on sliced raw mushroom as an accompaniment. 3 Flowers Yes, yes I know the traditional male POV is that they are a waste of money because they die. And that florists hike up their prices at this time of year. But most women I know love them. They make us happy. And as with every other thing in life (cars, TVs, sunglasses) they range in desirability. Supermarket ones are bottom of the heap; big, blowsy roses with a sweet perfume from a good local florist are at the top.

However, I realise all these wants are likely to end in tears, as therapists have long warned that high expectations lead to conflict and disenchantment in relationships.

So should we just lower our standards? The answer is probably yes. If being appreciated matters to you (and is there anyone to whom it doesn’t?) then it’s good to clearly state you’d like some token of affection. But to expect lavish Burton/Taylor levels is unrealistic. If your loved one has made an effort then it’s about focusing on the positive and enjoying the LOLs that come when things don’t go so smoothly. (I will frame my Amelia card and giggle at it every day.)

Life lesson: the only guy I knew who did do the surprise diamonds, knew the difference between Cadbury and Charbonnel et Walker chocolate and sent exquisite bouquets of flowers from the go-to highend store turned out to be a right wrong ’un. ’Nuff said.