I never TOLD MY SISTER how much I LOVED HER

QMy sister, who was my best friend for 73 years, died two years ago after suffering from breast cancer for some time. She had missed an annual scan because of the pandemic and developed a bad cough. I visited every day to help as she had lost her husband and lived alone. One day I found her struggling for breath so I called an ambulance and she was admitted to hospital where they diagnosed severe heart failure and secondary cancer. We were devastated. She got the medical help she needed, but sadly passed away three weeks later. I can’t get over a feeling of guilt that I should have got her help sooner. When the doctor told her she only had weeks to live I froze emotionally. My sister asked if I was OK and I could only answer that I’d be fine, and told her not to worry and that I’d look after the family. What I wanted to tell her was how much I loved her, and how I’d miss her. I can’t get over feeling that she died not knowing that.

AI’m so sorry to hear of your terrible loss. It must be devastating to lose a sister who was also your best friend – and it’s not surprising that the pain is so raw. But please try to stop blaming yourself and questioning whether she could have been saved if you’d got help earlier. It is definitely not your fault. It is sadly another Covid tragedy.

You were doing so much to help her. It is hard work, both physically and emotionally, looking after someone sick at any age, but even more so when you are in your 70s – and it can be difficult to see beyond the day-to-day. Even if she had received help sooner it is entirely possible that it might have prolonged her life for a short time, only for the illness to be more drawn out and perhaps much more painful – we can never know how things might have been different. The nub is that you miss her. Many people regret that they didn’t have the conversation they wanted with someone they loved, because death is not predictable and can leave us unprepared. It must have been a huge shock to discover that she had just weeks to live. It is only natural that you froze emotionally at this news. So while you might not have told her you loved her in those final weeks, I promise you she knew. You had shown her how much you loved her for every day of those 73 years by always being there for her – by

I could only say that I’d be fine and I’d look after the family

I promise you, she knew; you were always there for her

being her best friend and confidante and, in those final months, by doing so much for her when she needed you the most. It would help you hugely to get support for your grief and to talk through your feelings of loss. So please contact the Irish Cancer Society for bereavement support (cancer.ie).