My razor-sharp tips for ‘down there’ care

How are things looking below deck? This is a question I’ve asked myself a lot more since my marriage split. It’s amazing what meeting someone new can do to galvanise you into action in the downstairs department. These days I am the queen of depilation, and being a dark-haired, pale-skinned, follicularly blessed woman, I’d like you to know that it is pretty much a full-time job. My quest for the smooth aesthetic has absorbed years of my life and taken plentiful euros from my purse.

I was an early adopter of the at-home laser (flashback: me, positioned on the sofa, goggles on, having not read the instructions properly. The results were at best patchy). Then there was the time I asked a local salon to do a Hollywood, which was well out of their comfort zone. And, so it transpired, mine too.

Now I take things into my own hands with next-gen laser zappers and my trusty razor. I use a body scrub first to reduce chances of ingrowers, deploying a fruit acid-soaked towelette occasionally to chemically supercharge the exfoliation. I had reached a joyful level of smugness about it all, but that is now under threat because the goalposts have shifted. According to Gwyneth Paltrow and a new breed of wellness brands, our foofs need yet more time, care and money lavished on them. It’s not just about managing the hair situation. There are multitudinous products to polish, nourish, replenish and – here’s the kicker – ‘excite’ our nether regions. No surprise that Paltrow is monetising ‘down-there care’ on her Goop site, stocking potions, lotions and sex serums.

I’m starting to feel overwhelmed, so I share my anxieties with the boyfriend, who seems, unsurprisingly, reluctant to engage with the topic. He stares at the TV intently. In an effort to be more inclusive I shift the conversation to manscaping – for the uninitiated, this is defined as ‘the removal or trimming of hair on a man’s body for cosmetic purposes’.

Manscaping was not something I encountered in my marriage or among the few men I saw naked before it. (When I think back, I’m surprised that, in all our hirsuteness, we didn’t stick together like Velcro.) It just wasn’t on my radar. I’d heard about the back, sack and crack wax, but that was for LA types and rich, overly groomed footballers. Not real-life, red-blooded men.

Only when I started dating after my divorce did I realise that manscaping had reached Generation X – well, the divorcées among us. There is an increased willingness for the menfolk to match our neatness. I also realised we have the edge in achieving such goals after absorbing nigh-on a century’s worth of depilation education. So here’s my guide for all you guys grappling with it:

YOU CANNOT TAKE IT FROM WILD FOREST TO BOWLING GREEN IN ONE GO

1 It’s pertinent to use the right tools. You may think it is OK to deploy kitchen scissors for a down-there trim (probably only hours before snipping herbs with them for dîner à deux), but this is inadvisable for reasons of both hygiene and efficacy.

2 You need to understand that you cannot go from ‘wild forest’ to ‘bowling green’ in one go. You have to tackle the overgrowth in stages, not leave it until an hour before a date, or it will be a hack job. The result will be irritation. Both of mind and body.

3 Depilation products should not be used while under the influence of alcohol or you’ll end up looking like you’ve got mange.

4 Hair-removal creams are to be approached with extreme caution. You do not need to rub them in or you will feel fire. And not in the way the kids mean.

Phew – just writing it all down makes me realise it’s an awful lot of faff. ‘Perhaps,’ I muse to the boyfriend, ‘hair removal, like being respectful of each other’s bathroom privacy, is something that gets forgotten as you ease into a long-term relationship.’

I’ve got his attention now.