MY DAUGHTER IS DEVASTATED BY HER MISCARRIAGE

QMy youngest daughter is pregnant and my husband and I are thrilled for both her and her partner. However, our eldest daughter has been trying for a baby for quite a while and, five months ago, had a miscarriage. She was devastated and hasn’t told anyone except her husband, me and her dad. Her sister doesn’t know (sadly they are not close). The new pregnancy has made her even more despairing and I feel awful for her. She says she is trying to be happy for her sister, but just feels empty. I was meant to be having a small party of 30 people for my 60th birthday in a couple of months, but now my eldest says she doesn’t think she will be able to come because everyone will be talking to her sister about the baby. I don’t mind cancelling the event, but how can I help her?

AMiscarriage can affect some women (and men) particularly deeply. However, don’t cancel your party, because it is important for your eldest daughter to see that normal life continues and that she should hold on to hope. If she shuns all social gatherings, she risks spiralling into a pattern of negative thinking that won’t help her with getting pregnant. But to make things easier for her, please explain that you need to tell your other daughter about the miscarriage. I am sure that your youngest will be sad for her sister and, hopefully, kind and tactful in helping to deflect attention from herself at the party. It might even bring your daughters closer if they talk about your eldest’s loss. She is clearly struggling with her feelings so encourage her to get support from Féileacáin (feileacain.ie).