MY SON IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME FINANCIALLY
QI am nearly 80 and have been widowed for a year. My husband left me enough money to live a reasonably comfortable life. Both he and I have always been generous towards our only son, who knows that I am financially secure. However, I am now wondering if he is taking advantage. Even though he and his wife both work hard and bring in good money, he never manages to save and seems to be living beyond his means. They go on plenty of holidays abroad and like a few nights out. They also have dogs, which cost a lot in vet bills and care. My son phones often to make sure I am all right which I appreciate – but I always get a rundown of his finances, or lack of them. I have bailed him out on a few occasions and I’m getting fed up with what feels like pouring money into a black hole. All my other family members have died so I only have my son, daughter-in-law and 14year-old granddaughter. I don’t want to fall out with them. I’m fit and active for my age, and I could have another 20 years of life. But
I’m worried that if I keep funding them, I might not have any money left for my own care if I need it. They need to sort out their finances but I feel awkward telling them.
AUnfortunately it does sound as if your son is taking advantage of you to fund a lifestyle that he and his wife can’t afford. It’s a vicious circle – if you keep giving him money he will never learn to be selfsufficient or to budget properly. This is not fair on you because, as you point out, it could compromise your future care. Neither is it good for your son, daughter-in-law and granddaughter. So you do need to gently call a halt to this and talk to your son. I know you are worried that it will upset him and cause bad feelings or a rift, but I suspect that your son might be using your worry about this to keep you sweet, which is unfair. However I am sure that he also loves you, and, while he might initially be annoyed or put out, he will not want to lose his
(and his wife and daughter’s) relationship with you any more than you do. And he needs to understand that you have to make provision for your care. Your son could even have an emotional problem with money, in which case he may be grateful if you start helping him get his
I have bailed him out on a few occasions and am getting fed up
He could have an emotional problem with money
finances under control. You could continue to help them if you wish, but in a way that is carefully planned. So please find a reliable financial advisor – there is excellent advice on how to do this at citizensinformation.ie – or get a personal recommendation from friends. Your son should also seek help from mabs.ie.