I’VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO GRIEVE. AM I ABNORMAL?

QI am a 75-year-old man and I’ve spent most of my life unable to grieve. I lost my grandmother when I was 16 – she adored me and we were very close – and my parents more recently. But it bothers me that I’ve never shed a tear for any of them. I’m not a coldhearted person; on occasion I’m too sensitive. It disturbed me at the time of their deaths that I didn’t go through any stages of grief and it still worries me today. I feel as if there is something wrong with me.

AI assure you that you are not cold-hearted. It is a sign you care very much that you feel you did something wrong by not crying, even after all this time. Losing an adored grandmother must have been particularly hard at 16, which is a vulnerable age anyway. You say that you didn’t go through any stages of grief but I’m sure you did – you just might not have recognised them. You were perhaps numb with shock. Also, you are from a generation of men who were not encouraged to show feelings. But that only suppresses emotions, which later bubble up elsewhere. Acknowledge to yourself that you are still grieving the loss of your grandmother and parents – the biggest comfort can come from connecting with others who have suffered bereavement. Reach out through support groups offered by charities such as mariecurie.org.uk and hospicefoundation.ie – you’ll find limitless ways to grieve, all normal, no matter how long ago you experienced your loss. I think you will also find it helpful to listen to Griefcast, Cariad Lloyd’s podcast, which featured recently in YOU (cariadlloyd.com/griefcast).