ROSIE GREEN I’ll never stop talking about my ex ‒ here’s why

This weekend a man slid into my direct messages on Instagram. Rather than deploy the aubergine emoji or enquire as to my availability for bowling/ polyamory/egg-separator advertisements the message read: ‘You mention your ex-husband in your YOU column every single week. I challenge you not to.’

His exasperation leapt off the screen. My first thought was, why is this irritating to him? My second, is it irritating to you, the reader? And thirdly, hmm, do I talk about him a lot?

I completed some comprehensive data analysis (ie, looked through previous issues) and concluded that I do have mention-itis. My ex doesn’t appear in every column, but he features more often than not.

So why does it annoy this man? After some mulling I have concluded that it riles him because it looks like weakness. It seems to others that I’m still emotionally attached. Or angry. That I am still not over him or the break-up of our marriage. And this feels uncomfortable.

It’s so much easier for everyone if you are over it. No snot or tears, no messy outpourings of grief after too much rosé. No public displays of devastation or anguish about who got custody of the kids/Magimix/ sclerotic guinea pig.

Firstly, people don’t want to believe that this could happen to them. I remember refusing to read stories of marriage splits in case it might be catching. Then there are those who have engaged in shady relationship activities themselves and don’t want to be reminded of the hurt it can cause. And, lastly, nobody wants to get stuck in the corner with an angry/snivelling person.

There is a natural, instinctive repulsion for those who have been rejected. It’s Darwinian. If you have been cast aside then you are seen as inferior, a weak link, a liability to the herd. Until, that is, you find a new hog to mate with. Only then are you allowed back to the watering hole for sups and bantz.

So it’s easier for all concerned if you present an image of being totally A-OK. Push it deep down, don’t speak your ex’s name and put a glossy spin on it all. But I’ve learnt that’s not healthy. There’s no way around heartbreak – you need to go through it. And, for a lot of us, that means talking (and talking and talking).

The trouble for the brokenhearted is it takes so damn long to get over it. Three months for the acute stage. Multiple years for full recovery. But although I admit I have written about my ex to help process my feelings, that is not what I am doing now. Time and perspective did miraculously work its magic and I am now well past that stage. No, I talk about my ex because he was a huge part of my life. As a writer I draw on my experiences, and from ages 18 to 45 he was there. Truthfully, 27 years is a long time, and if I erase those stories my well runs dry. Freshers Week, first job, carefree 20s, 30s filled with babies. He was there. Big life moments ‒ getting the keys to your first house, walking up the aisle, seeing the lines on pregnancy tests. He was there.

The funny (the time he accidentally climbed into bed with my mother) and the poignant (the first time I lost a loved one). He was there.

In the aftermath of the split those memories were laced with pain. I needed to make our life together seem bad so that losing it hurt less. Now I’m at the stage where I don’t need to distort the past; I don’t need to make him wrong to make me right.

So, to the man in my DMs ‒ no, I won’t accept your challenge.

But maybe it will make you feel better to know this: I write about him precisely because I am over him.

YOU CAN PUT A GLOSSY SPIN ON HEARTBREAK BUT THAT’S NOT HEALTHY