Thank you, Mr Wrong!
We can all learn valuable lessons from our failed romances, as Maddy Fletcher discovers
In the acknowledgements section of Christina Ford’s memoir, In Search of Mr Darcy, she saves her final paragraph of thanks for her exes. ‘From the bottom of my heart, thank you,’ says 61-year-old Ford. ‘Not that I knew it at the time, but wow, what a story you’ve inspired. Seriously, you just can’t make this s**t up.’
Quite. The Canadian former TV executive got hitched at 25 and divorced 15 months later; lived with a boyfriend 17 years her senior who failed to mention he had a family; had children with a man who left her for a dominatrix; and spent a decade with a man – who was married. Her memoir, out this month, is, as you might imagine, a pacy read. Here are her key lessons…
1 Trust your gut – or a psychic
When Ford was 19 she worked as a waitress at a singles bar. There she met Brandon, a handsome former professional hockey player – catnip, apparently, for Canadian women – with massive thighs. Plus, he was kind and everyone loved him. They were engaged by 23, married by 25 – and divorced by 26.
When Ford walked down the aisle, she knew it was wrong, but didn’t want to end things because, in theory, Brandon was brilliant. ‘I was thinking: “I can make this work. He’s a great guy.” Then, when I got to the altar, he took my hand and I just thought: “What the f**k am I doing?”’ It was a lesson in trusting instincts.
Before the wedding, Brandon’s mother saw a psychic called Miss Moonshine, who warned her that Ford would leave the marriage. So maybe the real lesson here is to trust Miss Moonshine. ‘That psychic called me out on it long before anyone else did!’ Ford says.
2 Don’t listen to bullies
Ford’s second husband, and the father of her two daughters, was a music video director called John. He was also, she says, a ‘card-carrying narcissist’ who left her for a 21-year-old dominatrix.
Ford remembers one evening, not long after she’d had her second child. They were at an awards ceremony and John told a group of their friends that Ford’s breasts looked like ‘deflated cow udders’, asking if anyone knew a plastic surgeon he could employ to ‘fix’ them. ‘I was horrified and humiliated,’ she says. ‘He battered me in such a way, he just sucked out a lot of my self-esteem.’ The lesson she learned, after they divorced, was that she should never have listened to him. ‘You have to see yourself through your own lens,’ she says. ‘Be confident that you, as a human being, are good.’
If you wondered, John has left his second family and now lives in Thailand. ‘He never grew up,’ says Ford. ‘He gets older and the women stay the same age.’
3 For an ego boost, try hot sex
After Ford’s second marriage ended, she went on a retreat to the Arizona desert and met a yoga teacher called Noah.
His body, she writes, looked ‘Photoshopped’ and his face was something ‘up until then I’d only seen on the covers of Men’s Health or Mills & Boon novels’.
They slept together and
Ford believes the sex did more for her self-confidence than a decade of therapy. ‘I was feeling so poor about myself,’ she says. ‘And then this beautiful man! I spent one night with him and he made me feel in a way that my therapist and my friends couldn’t. They could yell, “Christina, you’re lovely!” But [with Noah] I thought, “Oh, now I’m feeling it.” It empowered me in a way a therapist couldn’t.’
4 Stop faking orgasms
For all the therapy-beating one-night stands in deserts, Ford’s had plenty of bad sex, too. ‘In my 20s, sex took on a sort of a nonverbal dance. And I didn’t have the confidence to say,
“Hey buddy, that’s not where you think it is”.’ So she pretended it was brilliant. In her 40s, she dropped the act. ‘There is a freedom that comes with being older than 40, where you know what you need and want, and you have the brazen ability to communicate it.’ Besides, ‘We as women don’t do men any favours by faking an orgasm, because how are they to know that they haven’t done what they were supposed to do?’
5 Be your own soulmate
These days, Ford is single and happier for it. ‘My loneliness has never come in my solitude. My loneliness has always come with someone sitting beside me.’ The trick, she says, is to learn how to spend time with yourself – and to actually enjoy it. Ford thinks travelling alone helps (‘it doesn’t have to be a big or expensive trip’) or setting yourself challenges, like going to a restaurant alone without a book or phone.
The benefit is, once you become your own soulmate, the quality of any potential future partners improves, too. ‘Now, anyone coming into my life is there because I want them to come in, not because I need them to come in,’ says Ford. ‘And there’s a big difference between want and need.’
6 Love is never a mistake
Ford’s attitude to failed relationships is very matter of fact. ‘It didn’t work out, it’s a shame, but love wasn’t the problem.’ No matter how bruising the breakup, ‘you can’t be afraid to fall in love’. Besides, she says, ‘I have no animosity or regret. All of my exes took me on a journey to where I am right now. And where I am right now is fantastic.’
In Search of Mr Darcy by Christina Ford will be published on 20 April (Icon, €21.99*)
It’s time to start planning ahead to ensure you’re ready for outdoor living when the weather heats up