CAROLINE WEST-MEADS I’M SCARED OF BEING INTIMATE WITH SOMEONE NEW
QI am in my early 50s and split from my husband two years ago. During our marriage, my sex life was very disappointing. My ex had a lower sex drive than me, was very shy in the bedroom and unwilling to try new things. As a result, sex (when we had it) would follow the same routine. I also got fed up having to initiate proceedings each time, only to be disappointed by the result. While we tried to address this issue on several occasions, by the time we separated our marriage had been sexless for 12 years. I feel that I am now ready for a new relationship and would love this to encompass a fulfilling sex life. However, the thought of having that physical closeness with someone new is really scary. After being celibate for so long and having not had much sexual contact before that, I feel that this particular aspect of life has passed me by. I don’t even really understand what good sex is or how to have a relationship in which it’s a key part.
AIt is sad for you both that your marriage didn’t survive. Being in a sexless relationship for so long may have left you with low self-esteem because it is hard to feel undesirable. But this is not your fault – just unlucky circumstance. Sometimes couples do simply have very different sex drives which, sadly, can be a gap that is hard to bridge. You say that your husband was very ‘shy’ in the bedroom, so I wonder if he was maybe brought up in a household where sex was considered dirty or wrong – something people didn’t talk about or only did to have children. You probably do need to take it slowly. Some people might advise you to rush out and have some fun. And while
I think you should have fun too, it needs to be underpinned by trust, otherwise you might end up feeling quite hollow. So when you start dating again, aim initially for friendship and get to know and trust a man first. The thought of having sex feels so scary at the moment partly because it is an abstract concept – not having a specific partner in mind. But once you make an emotional connection with someone you find attractive I am sure it will feel natural to take that next step. It is important to tell your new partner of your worries and your sexual history. Be wary of anyone who tries to rush you into bed. Any decent man who is worth your time (even if it doesn’t work out long-term) will be happy
During our marriage, my sex life was very disappointing
Being in a sexless relationship may have left you with low self-esteem
to take it slowly – and make you feel safe and comfortable until you are ready. Unlike your first sexual encounters when you, and no doubt your partners, were younger and quite inexperienced, most men in their 50s are (hopefully) more sexually accomplished and better able to guide you into having a fabulous time, helping you to feel sexy again.