EVERYONE’S TALKING ABOUT
Space sex
Is that, like, a tantric thing?
No, it’s actual sex, in actual space.
Do people do that?
Not yet, but as private spaceflight becomes a viable form of tourism, they might.
And we know this because?
Professor David Cullen of Cranfield University has released a report on it, which has just been presented at a space tourism conference in Los Angeles.
So, he’s the go-to guy for theoretical space sex?
He is and he’s worried we aren’t taking it seriously enough.
Taking what seriously enough?
Microgravity’s effects on the early stages of human reproduction.
Remind me what those are.
Nobody knows. Tests on mice gave contradictory results and might not apply to humans anyway.
So, what does the Prof advise?
According to The Times, he’s in favour of pausing before liftoff.
Whoa! Too much information.
In order to sign legal waivers.
He plans to kill the mood with paperwork?
Pretty much.
I have a question about weightless sex: how does one, you know… gain a purchase?
That is, indeed, a problem because when you apply pressure without gravity it pushes objects (and people) away from you.
What’s the answer?
Velcro. The walls of space stations are, apparently, covered in it.
That should get the space tourists revved up – some really intensive form-filling followed by the chance to lie back on a bed of hooks.
You can’t join the 100-mile-high club without making sacrifices.
Anything else to be aware of?
Microgravity environments, say scientists, tend to move blood towards the head.
So away from the…
Exactly. If you want to avoid that particular form of disappointment, then may we suggest a holiday on the space hotel instead?
Why would that help?
Because artificial gravity is produced by the hotel’s rotations, meaning randy guests shouldn’t find themselves with suffusion issues.
Check me in!
Above: Orbital (the space station construction expert) aims to build, among other things, a circular space hotel by 2027, which will accommodate 400 people.
Are there other options if intergalactic intimacy is my thing?
How about a trip 24km above the earth under a giant balloon to eat Michelin-starred cuisine?
That does sound like a recipe for romance.
From 2025, a French company, Zephalto, is offering flights aboard Celeste, a ‘luxury pressurised capsule’, so you can view earth from the heavens while you lunch.
Tell me more…
Reaching altitude in 90 minutes, Celeste will spend three hours cruising before returning to earth.
Will I have to train?
No, although therapists will help you prepare for the shock of the experience.
How much will it all cost? €120,000.
My bank manager will need therapy for the shock of that experience.
And yet uptake has been healthy, with seats on planned flights already booked.
Who knew a gourmet space restaurant would be so popular?
We’re sorry to tell you that 24km up doesn’t really count as space.
Right, so I’m looking at forking out €120,000 for lunch in ‘nearly space’.
WEIGHTLESS SEX IS A PROBLEM – WITHOUT GRAVITY, YOU PUSH PEOPLE AWAY
Yup. And Celeste only holds six passengers so you’re also looking at an extremely long waiting list.
Romance among the stars is hard. What’s been the public response?
Difficult to say because more than one comment in the online reply section of The Times story was deleted for ‘policy violation’.
Too bawdy?
Indeed – although a handful of wits did beat the moderator by wondering what would happen during re-entry.
Some people are so puerile.
Others opined that getting it on in space might shed some light on one of science’s great mysteries.
Which one?
The Big Bang.