The French
HAVING EMBRACED CRONUTS, PARIS IS NOW CROOKIE CRAZY
In a nice way? Er, non.
But we like the French… don’t we? Not at the moment.
What have they done?
It all kicked off on 8 March when French linguist Bernard Cerquiglini published a book titled The English Language Doesn’t Exist.
It’s Just Badly Pronounced French.
Oof.
Exactement.
Did anyone point out to Monsieur Cerquiglini that this might be a feather-ruffler?
‘Évidemment, I make no bones about that,’ he fired back. ‘This is a book written in bad faith. It’s a French book. So [it is] arrogant.’
How did non-French readers respond?
Several opted for phrases containing a word of well-known Anglo-Saxon derivation.
As well they might.
Readers of The Telegraph (which printed the news of the book’s French publication) were particularly unimpressed.
I’m braced.
‘French isn’t a language. It’s just the sound of someone being sick in a bucket,’ opined one budding linguist. ‘How do you say “sour grapes” in French?’ wondered another.
Speaking of which, might our love of French food encourage an entente cordiale?
No! Their breakfasts make you ugly.
I beg your pardon?
In more French publishing news, scientists at the University of Montpellier have released a report claiming that croissants make you less attractive.
A bit bored over at the University of Montpellier, are they?
Possibly. Dr Claire Berticat – the evolutionary biologist responsible for the report – did admit that it was a ‘relatively under-researched area’.
Pas de merde…
And Dr Berticat hasn’t even factored in the recent advent of the crookie.
The what?
Cookie meets croissant. It’s the snack of spring, reports the BBC, and it’s taking Paris by storm.
You’re saying the French don’t mind a portmanteau pastry? Not at all, having embraced the cronut and the cruffin.
Mon dieu! I wonder what readers of The Telegraph had to say about French breakfast choices… ‘I thought [it] was two Gauloise[s] and a glass of pastis!’ offered one commentator. Others, however, did come down on the side of the French.
Really?
‘The only people who eat croissants for breakfast in France are Guardian readers,’ supplied one James Palmer.
So, a healthier breakfast
(with a non-French name) might cause less trouble, physically and linguistically: porridge, for example.
Porridge is a French word – it’s from pottage, meaning ‘cooked in a pot’.
Bacon, then.
Old French – meaning ham.
Mushrooms on toast.
Mushrooms are from the old Norman mousheron, while ‘toast’ is from the old French tostée.
I’m starting to think that Bernard Cerquiglini might have a point. Maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to question the wisdom of our Gallic cousins.
I take it, then, that you haven’t heard this month’s news about the 2022 Meung from Grands Jardins being poured in the most expensive French restaurants.
I missed that.
‘Full-bodied’, says The Times, with a ‘varied and complex aromatic palate’. Goes well with scallops.
How will I spot a bottle?
Apparently, it looks very like a Burgundy ‘right down to the labels’. The identifying feature are the glass corks.
Glass corks? Sounds unorthodox. How much is this stuff?
A 75cl bottle costs €17 to €25.
That’s an excellent price! There you go. The French can be very reasonable. Although it’s tea.
It’s what?
Designer tea – from the Bokeo region of northern Laos.
Has this helped smooth AngloFrench relations at all?
Not so much – Times readers weren’t sold.
Go on...
‘I find a nice cuppa goes particularly well with fish, chips and mushy peas,’ concluded one gastronome, while another thought he could supply his own vintage for €17 a bottle.
What’s he calling that? Château Tetley.