I’M JEALOUS OF HIS FEMALE BEST FRIEND

QI am 50 and have never married or had children (which I desperately wanted). I’ve had a few longer-term relationships in the past but they all ultimately failed. Recently I’ve started seeing a man who I feel I could fall in love with. There is, however, one problem: he has a female best friend and, even though she is gay, I am hugely jealous of her. They’ve known each other since school and are very close. He makes no secret of the fact that he loves her and vice versa. He says she helped him through a painful divorce (his wife left him for another man). His teenage children clearly get on with her, too. She is friendly enough, but I can’t help feeling she doesn’t really like me. I realise this might be my issue as I suffer from anxiety and often feel I am unlikeable. However, I am struggling with the fact that my new man loves another woman perhaps more than he does me – even though there is no sexual threat. I don’t want to be a horrible, jealous type but

I do feel uncomfortable with this friendship, especially as they are so affectionate with each other. It isn’t easy to be open about how I feel, as I think he’ll go off me if I ask him to see less of her.

AJealousy is such a difficult emotion – and it can be all-consuming. If your new man always chose to spend time with his best friend instead of you, invited her on your dates and always talked about her, then that would, of course, be a major concern. But I’m assuming this is not the case. The issue is simply that you are letting yourself be tortured by his relationship with this woman – even though, as you say, there is no sexual threat. This friendship sounds essentially sibling-like, so perhaps ask yourself if you’d feel as jealous if she were his sister. It’s true he might love her more currently, as it is such an established bond, but it takes time to fall in love deeply and he may well do that with you. Indeed, you are not yet sure if you have fallen in love with him. Furthermore, remember that love is not rationed; it expands. A person with an open and generous heart can love several people very deeply in different ways. Because he was so hurt by his previous marriage, he might even be holding back for fear of being hurt again. I do think your insecurity is a problem and I’d urge you to have counselling to address this (see iacp.ie). But also,

I realise this might be my issue as I suffer from anxiety

Ask yourself if you would feel the same were she his sister

befriend this woman. Your new partner will love you for accepting her and I suspect you’ll find she is much warmer towards you than you think. If you feel awkwardness, it might be she is picking up on your uncertainty about her. Do talk to your man, too, not to ask him to see less of her – which could alienate him – but to explain your anxieties.