HOW CAN WE STOP HIM RUINING MUM’S 90TH?

QMy brother got divorced two years ago and he can’t get over his anger. His two adult children had left home and his wife told me she’d had enough of his overbearing behaviour and didn’t want to spend the rest of her life with him. To be honest, I can’t say I blame her. Though I get on well enough with him now that we are both nearly 60, I have never found him easy and, largely, I’ve just learnt to avoid confrontation. However, his fury with his ex-wife threatens to overshadow our mum’s 90th, as she wants them both there. She has told him he must behave, but after a few drinks I know he’s likely to start shouting at his ex. How can I protect my mum?

AHm, I am feeling rather sorry for his ex-wife as I expect she has put up with a lot over the years. Your brother unfortunately sounds to be very lacking in self-awareness and is laying all of the blame on his former partner without accepting any part of it himself. I know it’s not easy, but there really is nothing for it but to talk to him. He is clearly very unhappy – which fuels his anger more – so start there. Tell him you know he is really upset about his marriage ending and that it must be so hard for him, but explain how his temper is making him even more upset and how it won’t change anything or make his wife come back. Sadly, I suspect he would reject counselling, but tell him that if he doesn’t try to address his anger it will have a damaging effect on his children as well as upsetting your mum. On the day of the party, alert a couple of friends, and perhaps your husband, to be on standby to steer him away if he kicks off.