SHOULD I MOVE IN WITH HIM IF THERE’S NO SPARK?

QI am a divorced woman in my late 50s and for the past 18 months have been dating a really lovely man. We have so many shared interests and he’s kind, amusing and intelligent, plus I get on well with his adult children and mine really like him. But unlike my former husband, who was not as nice a person, I feel no spark or passion, although I know he feels that way about me. Now he’s asked me to move in with him and, being successful in business, he has a beautiful home. I’m torn because I don’t want to lose him, but don’t know if I should hold out for more. I also don’t want to give him false hope if I change my mind.

I can hear an army of women queuing up behind you, saying, ‘If you don’t want him, I’ll have him!’ However, I know it’s not so simple because, without that spark, even a kind,

Aloving relationship can be unsustainable. So you need to examine why this is missing. Maybe he isn’t right for you, or perhaps something is holding you back. Were you badly hurt by your ex, so subconsciously you won’t allow yourself to fall in love? Perhaps you are attracted to ‘bad boys’ – you say you felt that passion for your ex even though he was not a nice person. This may suggest a troubled childhood, perhaps with a difficult, aggressive father.

Maybe your parents had huge rows and then very loving reconciliations – and so, for you, that became the norm. You might have internalised a pattern of thinking in which love has to be turbulent or it isn’t love. I suggest exploring this alone in counselling. Try accord.ie. If you do move in, do so for the right reasons and not the house or lifestyle.