It’s just not dignified to put on a mini dress

classic shapes that fit well, and exposing as little flesh as possible. Too much anything — fake eyelashes, fake tan, sequins, satin and flesh — only accentuates your slide into antiquity.

I never felt so silly or envious as when I saw Jenny Agutter, who turns 60 this year, being interviewed on The One Show on BBC1. How serene, how unadulterated is she? Putting eyelash extensions on Jenny Agutter would be like giving the Queen a gold tooth. Wrong. And unnecessary.

I think being a fashion victim over 50, caring too much about trends and colours and hem-lines and whether men notice you or not, reveals something way more horrifying than crepey skin or a stomach with the consistency of cold porridge.

It shows that there is a yawning cavern in your soul where something more meaningful should be, such as, ooh, I don’t know, a family, or love, or even gardening.

I find it a bit sad when I go to the shows in Paris, as I did earlier this month, and see women in their 60s shedding tears over a peplum skirt. An older woman in head-to-toe crazy, clashing printed pyjamas just looks as though she has escaped from her carer.

For a 53-year- old woman to play the fashionable sex kitten is a bit sad, to be honest.

I’m embarrassed for Madonna — she is letting the side down. Memo to the postmenopausal: forget the fashion mantra of only exposing one erogenous zone at a time. After 50 you have no erogenous zones. Accept it. Move on. Cover up.