Some of our greatest art, ideas and inventions came from quiet people
SCIENCE tells us that social connections make us happier and healthier — and science is right.
But there are different kinds of social connection.
While extroverts are never happier than in a crowd, introverts focus their energy on a small circle of friends and family. They’d rather have a meaningful conversation with one good friend than make small talk with strangers. All the evidence shows that this is a wise path. A study by University of Arizona psychologist Matthias Mehl, PHD, found that the happiest people have twice as many in-depth conversations as the unhappiest, and participate in far less small talk. Even introverts’ tendency to bury their nose in a book can serve them well — studies suggest reading makes people more empathetic and i mproves social skills by helping us better understand other human beings.
But that’s not to say extroverts aren’t great, too. In fact, extroverts and introverts are often drawn to one another by a sense that each completes the other — one talks, the other listens; one is sensitive to FIRST off, let’s debunk a myth. Men do cry. A lot more than you think. You might have even seen it a few times after ending a relationship with them: that last desperate cloying attempt at holding on. Oh, we’ve all been there.
The only thing is that ‘there’ tends to be (or, at least, will hopefully be) in private. In public, it’s a very different matter.
Which raises a more interesting issue about the whole prospect of males and their emotions: when do we express them without any actual pause for thought?
Our default setting, after all, is to suppress them. To ‘act like a man’ for want of less clichéd, less macho statement. But, curiously, that’s not always the case. It was something that really got me thinking during the distressing scenes at the FA Cup match between Spurs and Bolton last week when the young Bolton player Fabrice Muamba lay prone on the pitch, having suffered a cardiac arrest.
Like virtually everyone watching, I was naturally upset, worried, even disturbed.
I sat there watching in shocked silence... but I didn’t feel like crying.
Until, that was, I saw the pictures of the players from both teams comforting each other. It was only then that I honestly felt a lump in my throat.
Even more curiously, I felt a similar effect when Wales manager Gary Speed died in life’s slings and arrows, the other barrels cheerfully through each day.
It can also cause problems when couples pull in opposite directions, though. For instance, one partner might want to socialise more than the other. The introvert might come home f r om work emotionally exhausted and spent, desperate to recharge alone. It can be hard for an extrovert to understand how much introverts need to recharge after a busy day. It’s also hard for introverts to understand how hurtful their silence can be. The answer? Introverts must respect loved ones’ need for socialising and balance i t with their own need for solitude. Maybe t he i ntroverted partner could take half an hour to him or herself each evening before joining the family at the dinner table. Maybe they could agree to go out every Friday night but stay at home every Saturday.
But how do you even find a partner if you are an introvert singleton who hates going to bars or parties? Well, you might have to ‘fake’ extroversion in order to achieve your goal.
Make an agreement with yourself that you will push yourself to go to social events because only in this way can you hope to meet a mate to share cosy evenings in with.
Decide in advance how many of these events you can comfortably stand — once a week? Once a month? And when you’ve met your quota, you’ve earned the right to stay home without feeling guilty.