Should I see my old f lame?

QUESTION: Eighteen years ago, before I met my husband, I was madly in love with a married man. We parted because he had young children. We lost touch, but recently he contacted me via Facebook. He wants to meet ‘one last time’. I adore my husband and children, but long to relive that intense passion. How can I resist this appeal?

ANSWER: Have you read Edith Wharton’s masterpiece, The Age Of Innocence? The protagonist Newland Archer has a chance to see the only woman he ever truly loved, Countess Ellen Olenska, for the first time in 26 years.

He stands outside the Parisian building where she l i ves, pondering the wisdom of revisiting the past.

In the end, he returns to his hotel without seeing her.

I have always felt Wharton’s conclusion is a wise one. She knew old love affairs are held in delicate jewelled caskets in the memory: try to force them open and both coffer and contents are liable to disintegrate in the harsh air of here and now.

Archer would rather not see the Countess at all than have her disappointed with him, or he with her. Just as bad would be the discovery that a jolt of desire still existed.

Then they would have to begin the torturous process of separation all over again.

Let’s set aside, for one moment, your responsibilities to your family. If you meet your old flame, do you really think that nothing will have changed between you?

You have enshrined a likeness of him in your mind, but it’s unlikely to bear much resemblance to the man he is today.

Are you ready for a paunch or a bald patch? Is he ready to accept and adore you as a middle-aged woman with stretch-marks and children?

Sexual chemistry is such an ungovernable and elusive quirk of fate and hormones that what sets us alight when we are 25 may leave us rather cold at 45.

It seems to me there would be few things worse than meeting your most desirable ex and finding the ardour had ebbed away.

And if you find you’re still attracted to him, well, what then? Do you really want to betray the husband and children you adore?

Do you want to stoke up a blaze from old embers, so you can torture yourself in years ahead?

Clearly the most effective form of self-restraint is to tell your husband that your former lover has been in touch — as soon as you have a romantic secret, you are already a step along the road to infidelity.

Then I’d book some sessions with a relationship counsellor to discuss the hold that this affair has on your erotic imagination.

Remember that your ex has dropped you before and is offering no greater commitment this time — his ‘one last time’ request proves that. Moreover, he has selfishly barged his way into your happy family set-up, which shows no real consideration for you.

Why risk everything that you hold dear for an ageing lothario who wants to feel young again for a day?