JONATHAN CAINER

TONIGHT, as the Moon grows full, Venus, Mars and Uranus all appear to be near the Sun. Well, I say ‘appear’, but we won’t actually see this because planets near the Sun can’t be seen. Daylight drowns them out and then, as the Sun goes down, they go down, too! They’ll also form an approximate right angle to Pluto — again invisible, even at night, because Pluto is so small. I’m happy to agree that this makes the Full Moon slightly more powerful than usual. But I still can’t see why any serious astrologer would call it a Monster Moon.

ARIES Mar 21 — Apr 20 REMEMBER when Harold Lloyd clung to the clock face while swinging perilously over the city below? This comedy king of the silent movies played the emotions of his audiences perfectly. They could hardly bear to look because they felt so scared. Yet, as each move he made took him even closer to disaster, they could not help but roar with laughter. If only you could see the funny side of your situation. Perhaps you may become able to do this sooner than you think — for you are safer than you think. I’ve important news about the big changes due to happen in your life. Dial in your date of birth for a special personal forecast. Call 1550 511 611.

TAURUS Apr 21 — May 21 YOU migh imagine that the people who are most entitled to say where the bones of Richard III should be reburied would be the British royal family. But Elizabeth II is not even one of his descendants. On genetic grounds, there’s a lady called Lesley from Vancouver Island who is much more entitled to say what should happen to her long-lost relative. And even she knew nothing about it until recently. How truly relevant are family ties? It is time for you to look at how truly close someone is to you. I’ve important news about the big changes due to happen in your life. Dial in your date of birth for a special personal forecast. Call 1550 511 611.

GEMINI May 22 — June 22 NOT only are horoscopes unsuitable for establishing guilt or innocence, lie detectors can’t do it either. Otherwise, we could do away with judges and just employ the services of several well-known daytime TV show hosts. And why let judges hand out punishments? Just call in an audience and get them to vote. The modern world, for all its faults, is at least more civilised than that. And in a sensitive situation, it behoves you to show wisdom and discretion, even in the face of a contentious matter. I’ve important news about the big changes due to happen in your life. Dial in your date of birth for a special personal forecast. Call 1550 511 611.

CANCER June 23 — July 23 THERE is never any shame in saying ‘I can’t do this’ or ‘That’s too hard’. Well, I say never. There is great shame in saying such a thing before you have given the task in hand a genuine, heartfelt try. If you have really done your best, if you have made every possible effort, if you have exhausted every alternative, then fair enough, you can give up and you probably should. Otherwise, you are simply succumbing to the prejudice of pessimism and no-one ever benefits from that. Today, ‘no’ is a word of last resort. I’ve important news about the big changes due to happen in your life. Dial in your date of birth for a special personal forecast. Call 1550 511 611.

LEO July 24 — Aug 23 PLINY the Elder should not be confused with Pliny the Younger. Both Ancient Romans wrote books, but the nephew was also a magistrate. In this capacity, he tried several Christians by torturing them until they confessed. This technique is still successfully employed, even by officials of some of the world’s most supposedly sophisticated governments. Most of us, when we hear this, exhibit the very behaviour Pliny the Elder attributed to the ostrich. But there is something you can’t, and must not, ignore. I’ve important news about the big changes due to happen in your life. Dial in your date of birth for a special personal forecast. Call 1550 511 611.

VIRGO Aug 24 — Sep 23 IF YOU know where everything is, you won’t ever have to look for anything. If you don’t know where anything is, then in the process of hunting for it you may make all kinds of other interesting discoveries. Similarly, if you know what is supposed to be right, you will instantly notice if something is wrong. If you are not so sure, you may make a few mistakes, but you may also come to see that some things are better as they actually are than as they are ‘supposed’ to be. Remember, an open mind is a valuable thing. I’ve important news about the big changes due to happen in your life. Dial in your date of birth for a special personal forecast. Call 1550 511 611. LIBRA Sep 24 — Oct 23 PEOPLE who are long suffering often end up regretting some of the sacrifices they have made in life. They start to wish they had been braver and rebelled earlier. But we can’t conclude from this that all gestures of selflessness and stoicism will lead to regret and recrimination. There is also such a thing as deferred gratification. You put up with a lot of what you don’t like, so that you can be rewarded in the end with a lot of what pleases you greatly. That’s a much fairer description of what’s in store for you. I’ve important news about the big changes due to happen in your life. Dial in your date of birth for a special personal forecast. Call 1550 511 611.

SCORPIO Oct 24 — Nov 22 ARE you familiar with Murphy’s Law? It states that if anything can go wrong, it will. I’ve said this many times before, but Murphy’s Law is in itself ‘a thing that can go wrong’. And when Murphy’s Law goes wrong, then the things that could go wrong don’t go wrong! So it’s not really a law to be relied on. You can afford to be similarly dismissive of various other seemingly logical reasons to guard against adversity. The more precautions you take, the more you may complicate an otherwise simple route to success. I’ve important news about the big changes due to happen in your life. Dial in your date of birth for a special personal forecast. Call 1550 511 611.

SAGITTARIUS Nov 23 — Dec 21 `THANK you. That’s just what I’ve always wanted.’ That’s what polite people say when someone gives them a present. Many a good parent encourages their child to do this. Aunty Y’s ghastly sweater? Uncle X’s boring book? You must not respond with: ‘No thanks, that looks horrible.’ Even if this is true. Some children get a bit confused by this. ‘But Mammy, I thought I was supposed to always tell the truth?’ Then we grow up feeling we should accept what we might prefer to reject. Put discretion above diplomacy. I’ve important news about the big changes due to happen in your life. Dial in your date of birth for a special personal forecast. Call 1550 511 611.

CAPRICORN Dec 22 — Jan 20 WHEN you look on the bright side, even the dark side lightens up. That is invariably true. But yesterday, I cited an extreme example of the dire circumstances under which it might still apply. A few Capricorns had difficulty with this. They suspected I was trying to steel them for some bad news. But in a way, that’s my point. Look long enough into the shadows and it becomes almost impossible to see the light. If you want to be happier, you can be. Just don’t allow quite so much room for sadness in your heart. I’ve important news about the big changes due to happen in your life. Dial in your date of birth for a special personal forecast. Call 1550 511 611.

AQUARIUS Jan 21 — Feb 19 MY MOTHER and father, though they didn’t meet until their late teens, grew up with a shared fear of a particular figure. He was called the bogey man. Most children of that generation were afraid of him. He didn’t exist, of course. But they thought he did, and the thought was enough. So where is the bogey man? What robbed him of his power? At least, partially, it must have been his silly name. Laughter is a wonderful cure for anxiety. So, too, is faith. You have much to trust and smile about. I’ve important news about the big changes due to happen in your life. Dial in your date of birth for a special personal forecast. Call 1550 511 611.

PISCES Feb 20 — Mar 20 HEATH ROBINSON was an early 20th-century cartoonist. He drew the most marvellously impossible machines: devices that used string, clothes pegs and bits of clockwork to perform delicate functions that could have been much more easily carried out by hand. But then, he wasn’t designing them to be implemented; he was drawing them to raise a smile. As you consider a set of arrangements in your life, it is clear that they are unnecessarily complicated and precariously balanced. But if they are working, that’s fine. I’ve important news about the big changes due to happen in your life. Dial in your date of birth for a special personal forecast. Call 1550 511 611.