I’m so shocked my daughter is gay

DEAR BEL MY DAUGHTER, who is 38, and her husband are divorcing after ten years of marriage.

They have a seven-year-old son whom my husband and I love very much. The separation has been dealt with in a civilised manner, so why am I writing? Well, my daughter is now in a relationship with a woman. We were both mystified. There were never any indications of lesbian leanings — rather the reverse as she’s already had a brief fling with another man. However, my husband and I accepted the situation and told her we loved her and wanted her to be happy. But her ex knows nothing of this, and we’re very fond of him. We’ve had several heated disagreements with our daughter because she wants my involvement with her new relationship and I’m resisting. Also, although I’ve accepted the situation, I’m uneasy about it. Now she’s become very hostile.

We’ve also seen a marked decrease in the time spent with her son — I’m distraught. JODI

THE pseudonym I chose for you invokes Jodi Picoult — try reading her book Sing You Home. The novel’s heroine falls in love with a woman after her marriage has ended. Picoult is passionate about gay rights, and I think the book will help with your ‘unease’.

Not that I think you are wrong to be upset. Leaving your daughter’s sexuality out of the equation for a moment, she is at fault to expect you to be an accessory in deceiving your son-in-law. That would also be the case were she in a relationship with a man.

And any devoted grandparent would be right to worry about a tendency to neglect a child because of the new passion, whatever the gender of the lover.

Since she was also unfaithful to her husband with a man, she sounds as if she’s on a rocky road to self-discovery.

So your all-important goal must be to protect your grandson from the swirling adult emotions which could make him very insecure and unhappy. Hold that aim fast in heart and mind. I hope that by now your daughter has told her ex about the new relationship. She needs him on side in order to explain the situation to her son.

I repeat, if everyone places the child at the centre of all decisions, things will become clearer.

I also think you should agree to meet your daughter’s new love for tea or a drink at once. Agreeing to this will relax your daughter, which will be better for the little boy.

If this new relationship works out he will have some adjusting to do — like any child of separated parents and additionally because of suddenly having two ‘mummies’. But I have friends for whom this situation has worked out brilliantly.

Take deep breaths and do serious soul-searching about the new situation. Being ‘distraught’ won’t help anybody.