So how can our national broadcaster afford TWO orchestras... but no office in London?

RIGHT, it’s quiz time. Fingers on buzzers, here’s your starter for ten: what is the difference between a symphony orchestra and a concert orchestra?

No, I didn’t have a clue either this time yesterday. Nor did the half a dozen colleagues — all of them cultured citizens of the world — whose opinion I canvassed on the matter. Luckily, it’s easy enough to find a comprehensive explanation on the internet.

For those of you who are as ignorant about these matters as I was 24 hours ago, here we go. While both set-ups involve four sections — strings, woodwind, brass and percussion — symphony orchestras generally have at least 80 members and a repertoire that largely consists of classical music from the 18th Century onwards. Meanwhile, although a concert orchestra also plays classical compositions, i ts musical output is broader and tends to include big band tunes, movie themes and even pop music.

That’s just one of the things I learned when I logged on to the ‘frequently asked questions’ option on the section of the RTÉ website specially dedicated to its orchestras.

Of the 17 questions listed, there are a couple of gems. The answer to the query ‘What if I don’t know when to clap?’ ends with the following advice: ‘The simple solution is, if in doubt, wait for everyone else to start and then join in.’

Funds

The uninitiated are also told why musicians wear formal black clothes (a tradition dating back centuries, apparently) and play on stage before a concert gets under way (they’re practising ‘like athletes stretching and warming up before an event’).

It was certainly an education; the only thing I knew about RTÉ’s orchestras beforehand was that David Agnew, Twink’s estranged husband, played the oboe in one of them.

Yet if you’re explaining, as the old political maxim goes, then you’re losing. There’s certainly a case to be made that if such a detailed explanation of publiclyf unded musicians’ work is needed, then perhaps those same public funds should be diverted elsewhere.

Now that argument has been bolstered by the revelation that almost €100million has been spent on the RTÉ orchestras over the past six years, while they only brought in €15million in revenue over the same timeframe. Reports pointed to the fact that the outlay would cover the cost of 4,700 heart bypass operations, 8,700 hip replacement procedures or paying the wages bill for a year for more than 4,000 new gardaí.

Yet the most troubling aspect of this entire business is the fact that the orchestras appear to be wildly overstaffed and underworked.

The overall bill applies to the running costs f or the RTÉ National Symphony Orchestra, the Concert Orchestra, the Vanbrugh Quartet, the Philharmonic Choir and children’s choir Cór na nÓg.

Given that the two choirs are made up of amateurs and there are only four musicians in the Vanbrugh line-up, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out that the vast bulk of the money is being hoovered up by the two orchestras.

To all intents and purposes, however, they both seem to be doing pretty much the same job and neither of them have to break a sweat t oo often. Between them, they employ 134 musicians: 89 in the symphony orchestra and 45 in the concert orchestra.

According to the website, the orchestras and the three other ensembles have about 250 engagements each year.

Against the backdrop of RTÉ’s debt-ridden status, that lessthan-hectic schedule would suggest that it might make more sense for one of the orchestras to take on the duties currently shared between the two of them. I’m no expert, but I presume players of that calibre can adapt to any style so long as someone sticks the right sheet music under their nose.

Of course, given that a symphony orchestra requires a greater array of musicians, it would make most sense to keep that one going.

Forgive for me sounding like a philistine, but I presume the boys wouldn’t mind knocking out the occasional version of A Hard Day’s Night or the theme from Dr Zhivago if it means them remaining i n gainful employment.

No one disputes that there have already been widespread cuts in RTÉ. As well as several rounds of redundancies across the organisation, the news department has closed down its London bureau and shifted its network of regional correspondents out of stand-alone offices.

The most recent money-saving initiative means soccer fans will no l onger see Premier League games on the station.

Yet, so long as the national broadcaster has two f ullymanned orchestras, it is impossible to escape the conclusion that the cuts haven’t gone far enough. Of course, nobody plays the poor mouth quite like the top brass at RTÉ. The only thing that they’re even more adept at is exhibiting an extraordinary sense of entitlement.

So it was no great surprise when director general Noel Curran went on the airwaves two days ago with a demand that showed considerable brass neck. He insisted that the new household broadcasting charge, which is due to be brought in next year as a replacement for the existing licence fee, should go in its entirety to Montrose.

According to Mr Curran’s account, RTÉ is the only station in the country capable of producing superior drama series like Love/Hate or the recent Prime Time exposé of the creche business.

Deficit

The clear implication is that dividing the spoils with the likes of TV3 will mean such programmes never get made at all.

Rarely has there been such a textbook example of trying to have your cake and eat it, too. Everyone knows the rules of engagement in Britain: the BBC gets the licence fee and the commercial broadcasters divvy up the advertising.

However, RTÉ wants to continue using public money to make programmes that will guarantee them a lion’s share of the ad revenue.

The figures speak for themselves. Although RTÉ’s annual i ncome amounts to around €180million, the station is set to record a deficit of €60million this year. Meanwhile, we have the ridiculous situation whereby Mr Curran is practically boasting about the fact that there won’t be ‘ anyone earning over half a million’ at the station when the current round of contract negotiations are completed.

Yet paying grossly inflated wages to its star presenters isn’t the only area where management is guilty of the most reckless sort of profligacy. Less than a fortnight ago, the Broadcasting Authority of Ireland said that the station should only get f urther public f unding if it reduces costs f urther, outsources more programmes and allows its independent rivals to have a greater share of the advertising market.

For his part, BAI chairman Bob Collins remarked: ‘There’s a whole range of areas where savings can be made, whether in programme-making costs or personnel costs.’

In a previous life, Mr Collins spent six years himself as RTÉ director general. He might not have spelled it out in capital letters, but it’s safe to assume he has a pretty shrewd idea where at least some of the money is being wasted.

True, we wouldn’t have been having this discussion five years ago. But five years ago, unemployment figures weren’t heading for half a million and huge numbers of us weren’t living in negative equity. Nor was the country, to borrow a phrase often used by Montrose veteran Gay Byrne, ‘banjaxed’.

But it is and, judging by all the available evidence, so is RTÉ. Given its parlous financial state, employing a second orchestra to do an occasional performance is a luxury too far.

Somehow that old adage seems appropriate: the one about he who pays the piper...