And the award for highest salary is...
THE nominations for the Endas are all in and the glittering ceremony is about to begin. Our bright and beautiful Dáil stars stroll down the plush carpets of the corridors of power – and out on to the plinth.
Here they speak openly and earnestly to the television cameras – giving Oscar-winning performances, one and all.
For us hard-pressed plebs, only half way through 12 years of slavery to the wolves of Wall Street, the circus is a distracting diversion.
Bubbling to the top of the list is the tragicomedy Captain Philip, a story that sees the affectionately titled Cap’n Phil Hogan all at sea in Irish Water when he comes up against a bunch of pirates.
Cap’n Phil tries his best to micromanage the crisis. He cuts all power and his crew hide in darkness but the buccaneers clamber aboard and demand millions of dollars. Can bungling Phil be hauled off in a lifeboat, bound for the shore of, er, Brussels? Critics are gushing.
Nominated too is Gravity, which – as the name implies – is about an extremely serious situation. The cost of this production has been so stratospheric, out of this world even, that it has been nicknamed ‘the health service’. Three ministers float about in their fire-retardant suits, tasked with repairing the HSE Squander (a bizarre vehicle which has been con- structed at great cost to gaze into the black hole of itself). Suddenly Roisín Shortall, played by Sigourney Weaver, is alienated from ground control, and goes tumbling into space, returning randomly to bounce against the ship, causing consternation to Captain James Reilly Kirk and his well-paid crew. Can the brave captain stay the course for the full five-year journey? For God’s sake beam him up!
Then there’s Rehabraska. A farce about how simple people convince themselves they can become millionaires by buying a lottery ticket.
There’s laughter all the way to the bank in this one as they realise the only way to guarantee the jackpot is by getting cushy job as a ticket seller.
Another costly production, which left hardened insiders aghast at the spendthrift ways of the film’s director, but already the €126million spent on the two-year production is paying off. Profits of four cent have rolled into the coffers so far.