JONATHAN CAINER
ARIES
Mar 21 — Apr 20
THE world is full of conspiracy theories. People imagine that ‘they’ want to keep ‘this’ a secret from ‘us’. It sounds convincing until we begin to wonder how clever ‘they’ can possibly be, and how they are managing to avoid the problem that seems to be endemic. Incompetence is a far more likely explanation for almost every unsatisfactory situation. This week, before you assume anyone is out to get anyone else, gently check whether a misunderstanding is based on fear or ignorance. Your latest lightshedding, hope-giving, heart-warming, worryquashing, four-minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 1550 511 611.
TAURUS
Apr 21 — May 21
WE are all, as esoteric philosophers love to remind us, ‘spiritual beings in physical form’. Our bodies are temporary, our souls eternal. This is so easy to forget when we are grappling with the many requirements of the material world. By the time we have dealt with this, paid for that and guarded against the other, we can no longer even imagine that we once floated freely among the stars and that we are destined to do it again. To attain real progress this week, stand as far back as you can from what’s bothering you. I’ve got so much more to tell you. I’ve crammed as much as I can into your four-minute forecast. Hear it and change your life. Call 1550 511 611.
GEMINI
May 22 — June 22
SOME people seem to be mines of useless information. They include some of the most gifted individuals on the planet. No information, no matter how seemingly trivial, is entirely useless. No idea, regardless of how apparently irrelevant, deserves to be so summarily dismissed. Arguably, what is far more useless is an over-hasty tendency to dismiss any concept or proposition as useless! Expect, this week, to find something major among the minor, or something big hidden within something small. Need to change your life? One quick call will cost less than coffee and a cake, but it will make everything feel better. Call 1550 511 611.
CANCER
June 23 — July 23
HAVE you done something different with your hair? Are you wearing a new or unusual outfit? Well, whatever it is, it suits you. I must say, I never noticed quite how attractive you are. And I rather suspect that I’m not your only unexpected admirer this week. Venus is in your sign, causing you to emanate an exceptionally attractive aura. If you don’t want the attention, you
Dear Jonathan, Before the British general election, you refused to predict the outcome, quoting the old saying, ‘No matter who you vote for, the government always gets in’. Did you know, all along then, that the existing government would indeed get back in? Lee Dear Lee, Let’s just say that I chose my words very carefully.
Dear Jonathan, I am hurt and disgusted with your recent comment comparing the sign of Leo to the nation of North Korea. Today you lost a long-standing fan. Susan
Dear Susan, It was a joke in poor taste. I’m genuinely sorry. had best play it down. But if you do, or are hoping to attain assistance with something that looks as if it might otherwise prove difficult, play to the gallery. Your latest light-shedding, hope-giving, heart-warming, worry-quashing, four-minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 1550 511 611.
LEO
July 24 — Aug 23
WHAT if a gust of wind should extinguish the frail flame of hope that has recently begun to burn in your heart? While all lantern-keepers know how important it is to shield a candle, another kind of problem occurs if we attempt to protect a fire in a hermetically sealed container. There must be oxygen as well as fuel. And the point of greatest potential hope in your life this week is rather like one of those comedy candles that people buy for birthday cakes. Almost unbelievably it can reignite, even if blown out. Relax. I’ve got so much more to tell you. I’ve crammed as much as I can into your four-minute forecast. Hear it and change your life. Call 1550 511 611.
VIRGO
Aug 24 — Sep 23
IS it time for a change? Or is it just time to change the idea that it is time for a change? The word ‘change’ implies a big event, but sometimes, something very small can make a big difference. Even a tiny moustache, for example, drawn across the lip of the Mona Lisa, would radically alter that painting. If just one violin in an orchestra were to slip a fraction out of tune, a symphony might be heard in a new way. Constructive, as well as destructive, options are open to you this week. They may take less effort than you think. Need to change your life? One quick call will cost less than coffee and a cake, but it will make everything feel better. Call 1550 511 611.
LIBRA
Sep 24 — Oct 23
MY friend, John, and I were chatting about how the world has changed since we were children. He remembered, as a boy, watching a man beat a dog in the street. His mother hurried him on, saying: ‘There is nothing we can do about this.’ But in today’s world, such an outrageous act would have every passer-by reaching for their mobile phone to call the authorities. Attitudes do alter, standards evolve, but it all happens a little more slowly than we might wish. Positive change is coming to your life. Give it time. Your latest light-shedding, hope-giving, heart-warming, worry-quashing, four-minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 1550 511 611.
SCORPIO
Oct 24 — Nov 22
DUE to new privacy regulations, the Scorpio forecast has become passwordprotected. Please enter your secret code on the screen. Or, if you are reading this prediction in print, write it in pen on the margin. Forgotten your password? Can’t even remember setting one up? Click here (newspaper readers will just have to jab idly at the page). We’ll send you a new password which you won’t be able to change to anything that you can easily remember. Expect a nuisance this week, but not a hopeless drama. I’ve got so much more to tell you. I’ve crammed as much as I can into your four-minute forecast. Hear it and change your life. Call 1550 511 611.
SAGITTARIUS
Nov 23 — Dec 21
SAGITTARIANS like challenges, so say all the astrologers. But what if, as the great sceptics and cynics love to remind us, this is a scientifically unproven subject and only fools pay heed to such star-gazers? Ah, but they are all Capricorns – what do they know? And anyway, it’s only unproven because it’s unprovable. Sagittarians like challenges. They like paradoxes, too. So you’ll be pleased to hear your week is due to be full of both – in a surprisingly pleasant way. Need to change your life? One quick call will cost less than coffee and a cake but it will make everything feel better. Call 1550 511 611.
CAPRICORN
Dec 22 — Jan 20
MUST there be conflict and controversy? Are you obliged to argue? Can’t the world just magically become a more accommodating place that supplies you with serendipitous circumstances and convenient coincidences? Like a weary warrior, you can hardly even remember what a peaceful existence feels like. But your memory may yet be pleasingly refreshed this week. Though a bone of contention has recently been exhumed, you are about to preside over its graceful, permanent, reburying. Your latest lightshedding, hope-giving, heart-warming, worryquashing, four-minute forecast is ready. Don’t miss it! Call 1550 511 611.
AQUARIUS
Jan 21 — Feb 19
LIFE puts us all on learning curves. Some are steep. Every journey of discovery brings a moment when we wish we had never embarked upon it; when we fear that we will never reach our destination. But that’s the thing about learning curves. As fast as they loom large over our lives, making everything seem daunting, they suddenly dip down and leave us wondering how we ever found it hard to understand something so simple, and why we were ever so worried. You will see, this week. I’ve got so much more to tell you. I’ve crammed as much as I can into your four-minute forecast. Hear it and change your life. Call 1550 511 611.
PISCES
Feb 20 — Mar 20
I AM honoured that you are reading your zodiac forecast today. I have written for many readers in my time, and I have learned to sense when someone special turns to this page. Pisceans are a wonderful bunch, but some are exceptionally gifted. You know who you are. Or do you? Perhaps you think you are reading these words in error and they are actually addressed to someone else born under your sign. Have more faith in your own sense of identity and entitlement. It will take you a long way in the right direction this week. Need to change your life? One quick call will cost less than coffee and a cake, but it will make everything feel better. Call 1550 511 611.