My friend has dropped me after 40 years
DEAR BEL
A FEW weeks ago I received an invitation to my friend’s son’s wedding. I was thrilled and accepted, telling my friend I’d done so. She told me she thought I was only invited to the reception, but the invite was to the main wedding. A couple of weeks later she phoned and said there had been a mistake and her son’s fiancée had sent the wrong invitation. She said she understood I might be upset. I replied I was, especially as she was invited to both my son and daughter’s weddings and I’ve known her for 40 years. She said she’d speak to them and sort it out. We ended on good terms, I thought.
I then emailed her (not mentioning the wedding) as she was going on holiday and I wouldn’t be seeing her for a few weeks. I normally see her every week. I was surprised when she didn’t answer, but assumed she was busy packing. On her return I phoned, but no reply. Then I saw she’d sent me an email saying I’d made her feel awkward and she wouldn’t be able to meet up with me as usual. I was shocked and emailed saying I was sorry. I said I’d ring her later and we could talk. Another email told me not to phone, as she didn’t want to speak to me. I have tried to phone several times to no avail. I am devastated she is doing this and am at a loss to know what I’ve done wrong. I can’t sleep, I cry, and I can’t believe I have lost my best friend of 40 years.
LUCY
THESE darn weddings! I’m not being flippant: the response to Caryn’s letter last week (about her disappointment over her daughter’s wedding) has reinforced my feeling that wedding ‘fuss’ can cause unnecessary pain.
I’ve read so many stories! If only we could be sensible instead of being led astray — to the point of absurdity — by the prospect of dresses and confetti! Your story is shocking in that it suggests many of our relationships are actually quite flimsy. But it also makes me rue the fact that nowadays people readily make the choice to take offence at whatever. And here we have a situation where two adult women have fallen out irrevocably over a wedding invitation. A piece of card.
Think of how brief is the time we have to live and how long we are dead, and doesn’t this ‘main wedding’ and ‘evening reception’ stuff sound like the petty nonsense it is?
I wish people could be more robust. It’s easy to see what should have happened. The engaged couple should have let the ‘mistake’ stand. To disinvite somebody who has accepted an invitation is rude — but people caught up with weddings often lose their marbles, as well as their manners. Then, when you heard you were disinvited it would have been better for you to accept with good grace and not drag up your children’s weddings. You could have shrugged that there are clearly restrictions on numbers for the wedding ‘breakfast’.
Your friend could have spoken with loving firmness to her son and insisted you come to both parts of the wedding. But instead she has punished you for ‘making her feel bad about herself’. Mind you, for all you know, she might have had a row with her son and his fiancée (aka Bridezilla?) and you should consider that. It’s difficult to see how to put this right if she refuses to communicate. But since you are so upset, you do need to try.
Have you written her a proper letter (on nice paper) in which you explain why you value your friendship? Include anecdotes about babies, laughter you’ve shared, support you’ve given each other. Can you include an old photo of the two of you together? Then say you wished you had realised numbers were a problem and not troubled her with your slight regret — and so please can you put it behind you? Maybe you could ask her about dress code for the evening, just to give her something to reply to. I just hope you can forgive each other — and learn from this.