BON APPETIT

Here, our superb restaurant critic TOM DOORLEY tells us what we should look out for in a good place to eat... and how we can spot a bad one the moment we step inside the door

ASK someone to define what makes a good restaurant, and you’ll get all sorts of answers: the atmosphere, the service, the décor, the location, the friendliness, the support of local producers. The food, too, of course, but less often than you might think.

People eat out for lots of reasons, and many of them have nothing to do with actually eating. Restaurants, to some extent, are in the entertainment business.

I take a professional interest in restaurants, naturally, and for me the quality of the cooking is paramount.

If the food is sublime I can put up with all sorts of faults, though not out-and-out bad manners.

However, that’s something I apply to all of life, not just restaurants.

So, how do I judge a restaurant? Well, in many ways and on many levels, I start with how the restaurant defines itself. Is it haute cuisine or a cosy neighbourhood place? Then comes the rest…

Those of us who eat out mainly as a treat or on special occasions (and that’s most of us, to be honest) are sometimes a bit unsure as to how to make an overall judgment on a restaurant. So, I’ve assembled two checklists.

One is a list of six things that mean you’re in a good restaurant ( that i s, one that cares and takes the job of giving you good food seriously). The other is six things that mean you should make your excuses and leave before it’s too late.

I’ve discussed both lists with some of those restaurateurs who still speak to me, and they tell me that I’m being pretty reasonable. For once!

So, here you go…

MAKE YOUR EXCUSES AND LEAVE….

1. How is the greeting?

If the front- of-house team are not pleased to see you, it’s a bad omen. Miserable staff tend to go with miserable everything. Except, of course, in certain very good Chinese restaurants where key staff often seem to carry the world’s woes upon their shoulders.

Also, being asked ‘Do you have a reservation?’ when the place is empty on a Monday night and you can see the reservations book is empty. Just turn around and go somewhere else.

2. How are the loos?

Every restaurant can have an off night but if it looks like the lavator i es have not been cleaned regularly and frequently it doesn’t engender much f aith i n the kitchen, does it.

I mean hygiene is hygiene and this is the bit you can actually see. A filthy loo is always a bad sign. I learned this from Helen Lucy Burke whose obsession with loo inspection was the stuff of legend.

3. How many wines are available by the glass?

If the answer is two, red and white, it’s not looking good, even if you don’t really care about the wine. If these are a Chilean brand of which nobody has ever heard, it’s not too late to leave.

A wine list fulfils a number of f unctions. Primarily, to make money. If the restaurateur is so stupid as to think that forcing customers to buy by the bottle is the way to do this, it’s not going to be a good experience. A range of wines, at different price levels, by the glass is good for the restaurant and for the punter. A really good wine list shows care; it almost always means good food too.

4. You’re right. Even when you’re wrong.

If you complain and the staff argue the toss, you’re in the wrong place. Even nightmare customers should be treated with respect. If you complain about something because you don’t understand it, a good restaurant will take it on the chin. It’s enough that they know you’re a pain. If you’re truly obnoxious, they should ask you politely to leave, and tear up the bill.

5. Do they serve children?

Not on the menu, of course. People who are enthusiasts for good food like to share it with customers of all ages. I can understand restaurants not liking certain parents, but the children are not to blame for being badly brought up. Kids’ menus that are confined to chicken nuggets and chips are a bad sign too.

6. Are you being interrupted?

There i s no excuse for staff interrupting you in mid-sentence. Equally, there’s no excuse for leaving staff waiting while you finish a story.

THIS LOOKS LIKE IT WILL END WELL…

1. Concise menus that read like a telegram.

Something like ‘Black pudding, poached duck egg, dandelions’. It’s not an infallible guide but it generally works for me. It’s a sign of simplicity, and simplicity is good. By contrast, florid descriptions make me want to scarper.

If the menu promises a ‘symphony of seafood’ or anything at all ‘nestled’ on something else, you’re in trouble.

2. Staff who know stuff.

If the staff can talk knowledgeably and enthusiastically about the menu, it’s a very encouraging sign. If you ask a fairly straightforward question about the menu, the correct answer is not, ‘I’ll have to ask about that.’ If your question is complicated or off-piste, that’s fair enough. But bear in mind that even some good restaurants do no staff training at all.

I once saw a woman who didn’t know that only a tiny part of a globe artichoke is meant to be eaten. She complained that it was tough. It was taken back, removed from the bill, and apologies made for the ‘toughness’.

That’s real style.

3. They want the table back but…

It’s perfectly reasonable in most restaurants to allot a two-hour time slot for eating; many restaurants need to ‘turn’ tables in order to make any kind of profit. (It’s not acceptable at the distinctly posh end).

However, much depends on the manner in which this issue is handled. A blunt ‘We need that table back by half-past- eight’ is not good enough. Nor is it OK if they give you the impression that they are doing you a huge favour by accommodating you at all.

When the time comes to vacate the table (don’t wait until you’re asked; that makes it awkward for everyone) you know you’re in a good place if they find you a seat in the bar area.

4. Good acoustics

If the music is so loud that you have to shout, it means the food is way down the list of priorities. If there’s background music, it will be discreet in a good restaurant and there certainly won’t be any live music.

5. Ethnically correct.

We are fortunate to have plenty of truly authentic Chinese restaurants in Ireland or, more accurately, in Dublin. We also have a vast ocean of so- called Chinese restaurants spread all over the country. The relatively informed eye can tell a lot from the menu but the real proof of the pudding, when it comes to ethnic restaurants, is how many people of that ethnicity are eating there. If everyone is European, move on.

And, yes, I know that ‘Chinese’ is a rather lazy, catch-all phrase for a vast place with huge regional differences.

6. A brush with the unfamiliar.

It’s always good when there are dishes on the menu that set you thinking. It’s good to encounter unfamiliar food items and a good restaurant should enjoy helping when you ask about something that you have not seen before. Only insecure, pretentious places will be snooty in response.

You see, really good restaurants love spreading happiness and enjoyment through the medium of food. You can help by saying how much you appreciate this.