The SEX Q&A
I’m attracted to my female friend
QI HAVE strong sexual feelings for a friend and I think she might feel the same way. She’s had relationships with women in the past, even though she’s been married for 20 years. Our husbands are friends, which is how I got to know her, and we often meet for drinks or dinner. When we’re together I feel a tension between us, though nothing has happened. I’ve sometimes wondered how it would be to have sex with a woman, but I’ve never done anything about it. Should I tell her how I feel?
ANO, NOT unless you’re absolutely sure she feels the same way. There’s a big difference between ‘think’ and ‘know’ and when it comes to emotions, there’s a tendency to project our feelings on to somebody else and come up with an imaginary certainty because we want it so badly to be true.
It is not unusual to be intrigued by the idea of sex with another woman. Some may go as far as to experiment, as your friend has done. That doesn’t mean she’s gay, but more likely that it was a youthful exploration.
We’re often confused about our sexuality when we’re young but as we mature we settle into a firm identity — whether that’s gay or straight or, perhaps, bisexual.
As your friend has been happily married for 20 years, it sounds as if she has found the place in which she is content. But you haven’t; you still want to explore and, however subconsciously, have become fixated on her because she’s a friend (and therefore safe) and has experience of sex with other women.
It’s like dipping a toe in the water, without taking the plunge.
You’re so caught up with the idea, you’re ignoring what could be terrible consequences. You stand the chance of not only losing a friend, but a set of friendships.
If she feels uncomfortable she may want to avoid you and persuade her husband to do the same.
If she reciprocates your feelings, it may destroy both marriages. An affair is an affair, be it with a woman or a man, so think carefully before you speak.