Should I cut my bullying dad out of my life?

DEAR BEL I EMIGRATED to Australia at 21 — not deliberately, but I was working for six months, then met my husband. None of my family came to our wedding. Yes, it was quick, but they did have six weeks’ notice.

In 2002, I had my first son. The following year, my parents came out to stay for three weeks — the ONLY time my father has ever visited me. In 2005, I separated from my husband in very bad circumstances, and my parents lent me money for legal costs.

My mother visited the following year, but not before I’d spent the first Christmas alone in a sparse rental home with shared custody. A year later (long story cut short) I ended up in hospital on life support, the doctors calling my parents to come, as I wasn’t expected to survive. Only my mother came. Compounding this, on visits home I rowed with two of my brothers (all started by my father) so now we don’t talk. One of them is my twin.

My mother visits at least once a year, usually twice. I live with my partner of six years and my two children. On visits to Ireland my partner witnessed constant bullying towards me. Now he won’t go back. In the meantime, my eldest brother won’t speak to my father or other brothers because of their treatment of me.

The fact is, I have never been good enough for my father — and never will be. I am the chief executive of my own successful com pany; hold a pilot’s licence (which he has never believed, though Mum has shown him a video) and will be attending university in April. I won’t tell him that, as he’ll either say I’m lying or snobbish.

When she next arrives, Mum will insist that I write to him to hold out the olive branch again, but for what?

Last time we were in Ireland, I was watching The Apprentice and said to him: ‘I wish you could see what I do for half an hour.’

Quick as a lizard’s tongue he replied: ‘When will you learn that I don’t give a f***?’

Do I just cut my losses? I’ve actually been hospitalised with depression because of the rejection. But his health is now deteriorating quite badly, so is it up to me to try to make the peace?

JANE HEN you are depressed, does your head revolve miserably, wondering what you have done to disappoint your father? Or are you mainly angry with him for disappointing you?

Of course, it may not be a clearcut either/or, but I set out the problem in that way to start you thinking. That is my first response. My second is . . . ‘Oh, your poor, poor mother.’ What has that hapless mother of four done to deserve such a difficult, quarrelsome family? In your uncut letter you tell me that the ongoing conflict has badly affected your mother’s health, and for that reason alone it is worth you thinking how you can mend matters. Let me point out that I don’t always think toxic family situations can be healed.

It would be wonderful if they could, but often someone troubled by serious family issues must put self-preservation first and just walk away. It is a sign of maturity in personal life (and in politics, for that matter) to accept that not everything can be put right.

You report a particularly nasty thing your father said, but the quarrels with two brothers (and one a twin) suggest a volatile family quick to anger and insult. In the past, have you given as good as you got? I only ask because your letter places t he blame firmly on everybody else, so it might be fruitful for you to consider what part you might have played. Asking why is always useful. For example, were your parents seriously disappointed by your speedy wedding?

I’m wondering if you were pregnant at the time — which might have hardened your father’s heart towards his only daughter. It shouldn’t have done, but it might have. When the marriage broke down they gave you f i nancial support, which is something to remember — because a father who truly did not ‘give a f***’ would not have done that. You make much of your father’s unwillingness to visit; on the other hand, it i s very expensive to fly to Australia, so perhaps your parents calculated that since you are closer to your mother, she would gain more from a trip to see the grandchildren.

I only make these points to be fair — and because it might help you to feel less rejected by him. You say you have never been ‘good enough’ for him, but I wonder if you know what he might have expected of you. Was his attitude to you difficult before your unplanned stay in Australia, speedy wedding and baby?

Had he perhaps made something of a favourite of you when you were growing up, which could explain the animosity of two of your brothers? These are all suggestions for you to think carefully about, before you consider how to deal with his future ill-health and your mother’s wishes. What you have on your side is sheer distance.

Surely it should be easier for you to cope with the situation because you live on the opposite side of the globe and have a partner who loves you and two children who need you? They come first. If your father’s unfriendliness is actually making you depressed, you should try to work out the reason for that reaction — preferably with the help of a clinical psychologist or other counsellor.

The older we grow, the less expectant we are, and the less expectant, the less we suffer. We gradually settle down to the fact that we are all disappointing each other almost all of the time. From The Priory by Dorothy Whipple (1893–1966)