Why DO some women have no female friends?
Three tell how their isolation began in childhood – and how they yearn to overcome it
HOW could any woman live without female friends? For when marriages fail, families feud, and colleagues conspire, surely it’s your girlfriends who pick you up again — or at least pour you a large glass of prosecco?
Yet for a surprising number of women, the mere idea of being part of a big group of females can be enough to fill them with horror.
Often scarred by girl bullies at school, or lonely isolation in their teenage years, they’re either too scared to make female friends or believe having girlfriends is too risky to their emotional health.
Recently, the actress Claire Danes admitted she suffered from a ‘phobia’ of female friendships. The Homeland star said she became distrustful of other girls after being bullied at school.
That’s a feeling Hayley McLean can identify with. She was recently diagnosed with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a result of the bullying she endured as a child.
For the 35-year-old mother of three, even the thought of being surrounded by other women is enough to bring on a panic attack.
‘It started in primary school,’ recalls Hayley. ‘A girl took a sudden dislike to me. She’d call me names in front of the other kids — goofy, skinny, ugly — and she’d threaten and intimidate me.
‘Once, she pushed me hard in the chest and sent me tumbling into a boy from our class. All the other kids were in hysterics and I was so embarrassed.’
The torment continued at secondary school, where Hayley was shunned by other girls.
‘One day, this girl who’d always had it in for me made a big scene about how she didn’t want to sit next to me.
‘The teacher tried to intervene, which just drew attention to me. I could feel the rest of the class looking at me, my cheeks burned and tears stung my eyes. I wanted to run and never come back.’
Today, Hayley is a full-time social media co-ordinator and blogger and lives with her husband, Jon, 43, a stay-at-home dad, and their three young sons.
But while she dotes on her family, Hayley’s self-esteem remains at rock bottom. ‘It’s made me think badly of myself; that I’m ugly, that I’m not fun or interesting and that I’m weird because that’s what they always told me.’
Hayley says she’s never had a single female friend, let alone a group of girlfriends.
‘Since leaving school, I’ve never involved myself with other women. I’ve never felt like I fit in, so kept them at arm’s length. I always assume people don’t like me. If I hear groups of people laughing in public, I assume it’s at my expense, like it always was.’
While many women find motherhood is a gateway to a new social circle — be it through friendships forged at antenatal classes or support found at toddler groups — Hayley feels very differently.
‘I’ve never been to a baby group at all. I find the thought of walking into a room full of women too frightening,’ she admits.
‘I imagine it will be full of people in their cliques and I’ll be the outsider again. I just don’t feel like I can do it.’
But, set against this phobia of her own sex is a painful longing for female interaction.
‘Recently, I went to the cinema with my husband, and we were standing behind a queue of women, all dressed up, laughing and joking, all close friends. ‘I could have cried. I just felt so sad and envious that I’ve never had that relationship with one woman, let alone a whole group of women. I feel like I’ve missed out on something really special.’
Hayley is now having counselling and hopes she will eventually feel able to make friends.
It’s more than possible, says psychotherapist Anna Pinkerton.
You need to learn to like your own company and then you will be reaching out with a desire to be connected, rather than one of neediness,’ she says.
Lucille Howe, 44, an actress, can relate to Hayley’s fear of female friendship. Lucille, who lives with partner Rama Knight, 39, a photographer, may have a high-flying career and jet-setting lifestyle — but she only has her younger sister to offer loyal, female companionship.
‘At times I wonder who I’d invite to my hen do, or talk to if I had relationship problems,’ she says.
‘I’ll see groups of mums with their prams, laughing, or looking at pictures on their phones, and they seem to be having the best time. I wish I could have that.’
So why is Lucille so lonely? She puts it down to attending an allgirls boarding school, and a subsequent highly competitive career. The prospect of oestrogen-filled gatherings make her shudder. ‘My view of women has been skewed both by school and the kind of work I’ve done,’ she says.
‘I wish I could reverse the way my brain has been programmed.’
Lucille was put off the idea of female friendships from the age of 11, when she was sent to an all-girl convent boarding school.
‘In the first week, a group of girls barricaded part of the common room off with cushions. The message was clear, it was “them and us”,’ she says.
Picked on for being pale, skinny and wearing braces, Lucille went out of her way to prove herself.
‘My reaction was to be the best; to be in every sports team, the lead in every school play,’ she says. But behind the guarded, confident exterior was a girl who
shied away from friendships for fear of ridicule or rejection.
Psychotherapist Anna Pinkerton, author of Smile Again: Your Recovery From Burnout, Breakdown And Overwhelming Stress, says this natural defence strategy can lead to later problems.
‘Over the years, our brains collect evidence to endorse our early decisions,’ she explains. ‘Deciding “All women are untrustworthy” might keep you safe initially, but as the years go on it affects your ability to form bonds with new women — even those who are kind and trustworthy.
‘These defence mechanisms cause us to feel lonely, isolated and cut off from friendships.’
Swapping boarding school for university didn’t make it any easier for Lucille. ‘At 19, I discovered boys,’ she says. ‘I was so relieved to find they were straightforward, direct and honest, unlike the girly cliques I’d been used to.
‘Any girls I did gravitate towards were alpha-females like me. I didn’t have time for girls who wanted to ask personal questions; all that introspective emotional stuff seemed like a waste of time and I felt it could be used as currency against me, so I put up a wall. I didn’t leave school or university with proper girl friends.’ Lucille remained closed to female rapport throughout her 20s.
At 30, she went to live in Australia. However, once again her competitive instinct kicked in.
‘It was all about how good you looked in a bikini, so I’d be running on the beach at 5am, going to the gym every day,’ she says. ‘A perfectionist, I was very hard on myself.’
When she did try to connect with other women, Lucille says that it backfired.
‘I went to a casting for a TV commercial where I tried to start a conversation with another girl.
‘I asked how long she’d been waiting, but she didn’t even look up from her phone. So I asked something about her bag which looked expensive, but she just moved it to the other leg without even looking at me or replying.’
Lucille admits she still finds it hard to bond with other women.
Counsellor Katy Georgiou is another who was emotionally scarred in childhood by other girls, and has since avoided gangs of female friends. It started in primary school, when another girl started picking on her, pinching Katy’s arms until they bruised and persuading other girls to avoid her.
‘I was an extremely sensitive child,’ reflects Katie, 33. ‘So when something negative happened, I internalised it and blamed myself. I became extremely withdrawn.’ Unfortunately, Katy’s unhappiness at the hands of women continued at university. ‘Two of the girls in my halls of residence stopped talking to me, just like that,’ she says.
‘At first, I thought it was my imagination. I’d walk into the kitchen, say “morning”, and get no reply. I’d knock on one of their doors, and they’d shut it in my face.
‘We had been looking for accommodation together, but all of a sudden I was kept out of those conversations. I was living with these girls, so the experience had a profound effect. I felt incredibly alone.’
Other experiences of women — both at parties, and in the workplace, where she’s been subject to scorn and intimidation — have also made Katy extremely nervous of potential friendships. ‘I’m wary when I meet groups of women,’ she says. ‘I’m warm, but cautious about how much I share.’
Despite having no desire to be ‘one of the girls’, Katy insists she doesn’t begrudge groups of women. ‘I see real friendships out there that are rock solid and I root for those.
‘If there are occasions where I do notice someone being not so nice, or gossiping, I just feel relief I’m not in friendships like that anymore.’
‘I’ve worked through a lot of my experiences and I’m philosophical now. I’ve shaped myself into the type of person I’d like to be for others — which is one with integrity.’
However, therapist Carolyn Cowan believes female friendships are worth striving for, and that it’s important to be pro-active to make more friends, even in later years.
‘Female friends are life-enhancing,’ she says.
‘Join a group doing something physical, like walking or yoga, so you can relax and find like-minded women.’