Why are SO many successful women SINGLE?
A new study has shown professional women in their 40s find it harder to meet someone so...
WHEN older, single professional women pitch up at Intro Matchmaking on Dublin’s Grafton Street, dating agent Rena Maycock can almost predict what they are all looking for: a professional man.
‘But according to the most recent census figures, for every one professional woman in Ireland there’s 0.6 professional men. There isn’t a like-for-like counterpart — Ireland isn’t giving it to us. If it’s a deal-breaker for the woman it means having to turn away a lot of business. But we have a much more peaceful life and a higher success rate.’
The older, single men — professional or not — all want the same thing too: a younger woman.
‘Men don’t think about age until they’re 37 and then they become obsessed with it,’ notes Maycock. ‘They don’t care who you put in front of them as long as they’re much younger. And if you say you can’t do it, they’ll say: “I’ll go to another agency who will, so.”’
This fascinating vignette is reflected in a landmark academic study of gender and family in Ireland which found that it is harder for older, better-educated women to meet a partner than it is for older, better-educated men. Single women were the most likely to say it was difficult to find a partner, with single men much less likely to think so. Gender Roles and Attitudes to Family Formation in Ireland also found more societal pressure on women to get married and more stigma if they didn’t.
Just published as a book by Manchester University Press, the wide-ranging study was carried out by Trinity College sociologist Dr Margret Fine-Davis.
One of the starkest findings is this phenomenon of older, well-educated Irish women from the ‘middle and higher classes’ finding it impossible to meet a partner — leading to greater social isolation, increasing childlessness and lower levels of wellbeing.
‘This is what I found the most interesting,’ says author Dr Fine-Davis. ‘I was very concerned to find the lower wellbeing of well-educated, single women. Because they would potentially make
great mothers. They shouldn’t be punished for wanting to fulfill their potential. Society is encouraging them to go to university and have careers. But then society isn’t helping them by not providing enough childcare and flexible working conditions. The high cost of childcare is preventing them from having as many kids as they would like.’
On average, Irish people want three children but because of high childcare costs they are only expected to have two, which is the average for a family now.
This means there is a ‘demographic time bomb’ in store as there aren’t enough babies being born to pay for the pensions and healthcare costs of this generation.
But leaving that aside, why are some of our best and brightest women unable to find a mate?
The study says one of the reasons is that while it is socially acceptable for men to go to the pub alone, it is not for women. At the time she conducted the survey in 2010 Dr FineDavis found it ‘surprising’ that more women weren’t online dating — she concedes more might be doing so now.
AUTHOR Alana Kirk, 47, who is separated with three children aged 11, 10 and 6, ‘definitely’ relates to the study’s findings. ‘When the kids are gone to their Dad, I’ve gone to Ely wine bar with a glass of wine and a book,’ she says. ‘It’s mortifying — everyone’s in couples. It’s really tricky. There’s a huge culture in Ireland of men being absolutely s**t at approaching women. I’ve had Spanish au pairs and it’s completely different to other European countries where men are over like a shot. Irish men are in a gaggle until they get so drunk you don’t want them — then they’ll lurch at you. Apparently Bruxelles [bar] is brilliant, but I wouldn’t go in on my own. For me, all my friends are married and I have the children most nights anyway. Their father only lives five minutes away and there hasn’t been a weekend when the kids didn’t pop back for something. So I don’t feel my home is somewhere I can bring someone back to either. Affordability is another thing. I have a friend who was so determined to meet someone she went on three dates a week for a year. I said: “That would have cost me three million quid in babysitting!” You can’t make that kind of commitment. I wouldn’t have contemplated leaving the house that first year after he left; my eldest didn’t sleep alone for the first yearand-a-half. You’re left picking up the pieces for the kids and you’re not in the right frame of mind for dating. Meanwhile, the men are out the door, free as a bird.’
When Alana finally felt ready to date, there were more rude awakenings.
‘I went to a matching agency and they said: “Oh, women your age are the hardest to place.” I said: “Why is that? There must be men my age who are single?” They said: “Oh yes, but they go for younger women.” Online dating was literally too depressing — I shut it down. There was nobody my age that responded to me and those who did were three years older than me but looked like a generation older than me. I think it’s a real problem. The men in our age group are going for younger women and the men who are left are too old for us because we feel like younger women. I think women are ageing far better than men.’
Alana was taken aback when comparing dating app Tinder profiles with a separated male friend.
‘He was 45 at the time yet his profile was asking to meet a woman aged 35-40. I said: “Hang on a second, what about women like me? Are you telling me you wouldn’t go out with someone like me?” He said: “Oh yeah, I suppose.”’
WHEN she has met someone, there has been one major stumbling block to the relationship’s progression.
‘The issue that seems to have come up for me is my young children,’ Alana says. ‘I met a gorgeous man who was 50 and whose wife had died. He had no children and he said: “Your life is so different to mine.” He wasn’t interested in a woman with small kids. I get asked: “Really? You’ve got a six-year-old?” That’s a big thing. I’ve kind of resigned myself to being single until my youngest is a bit more mobile. Though I hope I would have a bit of fun in the meantime!’
While having young children is an impediment to new relationships for women, remarkably the opposite seems to be the case for men.
‘We have done research for Valentine’s Day looking at how difficult it is to re-enter the dating scene once you have children,’ says Laura Erskine, Mum-in-Residence at mummypages.ie.
‘What was most interesting in our survey is that only one in five mums would post photos of their children on their Tinder dating profile. But 77 per cent of single dads did. The mums wanted to get to know the individual before letting them know they were a parent so they wouldn’t be dismissed out of hand. Because the perception is still out there that single guys don’t want to take on a woman with children already, unless that potential suitor already has children.
‘Single dads actually saw themselves having children as part of the attraction for women, because the women would not necessarily have children of their own and may be interested in having children. So the pictures of the dads with their kids displayed the fact that they could father a child and love another person — it showed their softer, emotional side. The women who found that attractive were safe in the knowledge that most men who are separated don’t usually have the primary caregiving role, so it’s unlikely the children live with them. Really they’re a part-time dad so it won’t interfere with dating. The opposite is the case with women.’
That same Mummypages survey found that ‘hitting the pub scene on their own was very intimidating for women and made them feel almost desperate. Nobody would bat an eyelid at a man doing the same thing.’
Model turned wellness coach Alison Canavan, 39, has been single since becoming a mother to six-yearold James.
‘The whole pub thing needs to be changed. Why does everything revolve around the pub? It’s very exclusive. I’m sober. I think we can get stuck in a story about how women should be in society instead of following our intuition. Who wants to meet a man who’s sitting at the end of the bar? Not me. Someone who sits in a bar on his own? I’m like, “No!” Before I had James I was a serial monogamiser but I’ve been single for most of my thirties. I’ve been studying, I’ve been raising my child. I’m living my life, I haven’t met anyone, I don’t analyse it. I don’t get hung up on it but I’ve a lot of friends who are absolutely obsessed about meeting someone.’
Alison is interested that women felt it was difficult to find a partner while men did not think that way.
‘Is it a mindset thing? You get what you expect?’ she muses.
She can relate to the study’s findings that social isolation is a feature of being single.
‘When you’re single, you get left out of stuff. I don’t think anybody intentionally does it to be mean. I think they’re just uncomfortable. A couple of people said to me: “I thought you’d be uncomfortable so I didn’t invite you.” I can understand their position as well. I don’t think they think: “I’m going to leave her out.” It’s just that when everybody else is a couple... I think people should give someone the option of declining an invitation. I used to feel sorry for myself about this kind of thing but now I have a great circle of friends I surround myself with.’
Laura Erskine says: ‘Some of our single mums say your married friends become very watchful and protective of their husbands when you become single.’ Another woman who is quite happy with her single lot is novelist
‘You’re left picking up the pieces for the kids and you’re not in the frame of mind for dating’
Claudia Carroll, who scoffs at the survey’s findings.
‘We are socially isolated with a lower sense of well-being? I just giggled when I read that. I find it laughable.
‘Most of my friends are in their late forties, early fifties, single and have fantastic lives. They can travel at a moment’s notice, they can watch NETFLIX all night if they want, they are very engaged with their community, politically, economically — at every level. It doesn’t chime with my experience and my circle of friends. I don’t know who they spoke to when they were conducting this survey but it was nobody I know,’ she says. ‘No matter what your walk of life is you will encounter stereotypes. So what I say is: Beware generalisations, beware studies!’
But there is no doubt Irish women are staying in education longer than Irish men and are marrying and having children later than ever.
In 1980, the average woman had her first child at 25 — now it’s 32.
‘That’s a huge shift,’ says Dr Fine-Davis. ‘And a greater proportion of the population is remaining single. The average age of marriage for a woman now is 31, which means there are plenty who are older than that. It’s those women who are older that are finding it difficult to find partners.’
Bill Phelan, of Dublin matchmaking company Perfectpartners.ie, says: ‘Men who get in touch with us are very well aware that once a woman reaches 41, 42, the chances of her conceiving are very much reduced. These men want to settle down and have a family and they want a woman who is maybe 36. And 38 is as far as they want to go.
‘We had a situation recently where the headmaster of a wellknown school here in Dublin who is 57 was looking to meet a girl in her 30s with a view to marriage and kids. He had had a couple of failed long-term relationships but no children. I said: “You’re in the wrong place.” Imagine if I approached one of our 36-yearolds to see if she wanted to meet a 57-year-old? She would say: “Have you been drinking?!” It would be a fair question.’
OVER at Intro Matchmaking, Rena says: ‘We had a conversation with a 44-year-old male client the other day. We had matched him with a 40-year-old woman and he wouldn’t date her. ‘He said: “Her childbearing years are over!” Fergal, my husband, is co-director of the company and he said: “What planet are you living on that you think women can’t have babies over 40?”’ Later, she adds: ‘Huge numbers of women are immersing themselves in education at the expense of their love lives. It’s a cold, hard fact.’
Another interesting statistic from the study is how successful, well-educated women believe men resent them for it — when often they don’t.
‘Women were more likely to think that their career advancement would threaten men,’ says Dr Fine-Davis.
‘50 per cent of men agreed they would feel threatened but 67 per cent of women felt men would feel threatened. So they’re worrying and fearing men are more threatened than they actually are.’
The study found the loneliest people in Ireland are single mothers.
But there is good news from the land of dating apps.
‘It is now the most popular way for our mums to meet people because you can do it from the comfort of your own home,’ says Laura Erskine.
‘Separated mums usually feel very vulnerable re-entering the dating scene and having those conversations behind the scenes made them feel safe. Particularly with the likes of Tinder, where both parties had indicated they liked each other and mutual attraction had been established. They felt they could express themselves, be witty, be charming.
‘Dating websites and apps have a reputation for being hook-up tools for single people. But women found men over the age of 34 were more attuned to the fact that women needed to be wooed rather than engaging in sexual messaging.
‘After messaging back and forth, mums are meeting these men over coffee and tea rather than a drink. So relationships are starting now on a note of friendship and companionship — rather than just lust and alcohol.’