I’m scared my daughter’s going blind

DEAR BEL I LOVE my daughter Anna so much. At 38 (the youngest of my three children) she’s battled depression, anxiety, weight and fertility problems and made us very proud that she never gave up.

At the moment, she’s doing well in her job. After years of heartache, she’s now married to a lovely guy but struggling to get pregnant.

I understand how this has become all-consuming, but she’s burying her head in the sand over a much more pressing problem.

In early 2015, Anna was diagnosed with keratoconus, a degenerative eye disease. She was prescribed special contact lenses to slow the disease, but felt she was not given the time at the hospital to practise using them before being sent home. Her wedding was looming, so she said she’d try again in the New Year. Her next appointment was in March 2016, but it was cancelled by the hospital and she has never made a new one.

I’ve tried to persuade her, offering to go with her, asking her sister and a couple of her close friends to ask how it’s going — all to no avail.

Recently, I told her I’m afraid because she will go blind without treatment and how would she cope with a baby then? Her response was a text saying it’s none of my business — that much as she loves me and knows how much I love her, she must make her own decisions.

I lay awake at night with worry. I’ve tried talking to her husband, but he gets nowhere either. I feel as if I should be able to fix this — that I’m a failure as a mother. What WENDY do you advise?

THE anxiety we feel over our children starts when they are born and never ends. My mother (aged 93) will bear witness to that, and earlier this year I tossed and turned for two weeks as my daughter and her husband were having some serious work-related problems.

I’ve discovered that being a good parent goes hand in hand with acute worry, some frustration and self-sacrifice, too — and this is the (somewhat tarnished) setting within which jewels of love, pride and joy are set. This, your daughter will discover, if she fulfils her dream of parenthood.

Did you ever give advice to your children that they welcomed? Once in a while they’ll listen, but usually they don’t. You have to watch them make mistakes and if they do things you know are wrong, it’s essential to realise, it’s not your fault.

The eye problem is worrying and she needs to use the lenses. People often resist treatments that are good for them. It’s foolish, but as the saying goes, you can take a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.

It was certainly a mistake (though understandable) for you to send her a text designed to frighten her into action. You are the last person she’ll listen to; the person who ought to be able to influence, is her husband. You write: ‘I have tried talking to her husband, but he gets nowhere either.’ That’s not good enough.

I would try to meet him alone to work out a strategy. He has a right and a duty to tell her that her health impinges on his happiness, and even without a child, he looks forward to their life together.

And that’s why she needs to learn to wear those lenses.