We want to help our lonely neighbour

DEAR BEL,

OUR neighbour moved to this country about six years ago. Recently, she came round to ask me and my husband for a small favour while her husband was away, which was brave of her as she is very lonely, isolated and seeing a doctor for depression.

She comes from a large family, but can’t afford the flight to see them. She doesn’t drive or have a job because her English is not fluent enough. The other mothers at her little boy’s nursery say hello to her, but aren’t that friendly.

My husband and I found it hard to make friends when we moved here five years ago, but we have each other. We are helping her with her English and going through mock tests for the written driving exam. She is 43 and has a lovely boy of three. Her husband is older than her and is often away. I get the impression the relationship isn’t great. She speaks some English, and he is not fluent in her language. He doesn’t help her.

She is such a lovely person, and grateful to have found two new friends — but I don’t think we’re enough, as we are of pension age and not in great health. I very much want her to find the happiness she deserves. EILEEN

MAYBE this won’t seem a pressing problem to some readers, but I print your letter as a beacon of light — something that’s always needed in a world full of bad news.

There you are, two pensioners, so full of concern for a stranger that you write to me to ask how you might help her more.

I’ve been reading a paperback called Stories Of The Stranger (edited by Martin Palmer and Katriana Hazell), which is a lucky dip of 20 tales from around the world, about the importance of caring for others who are far from home.

It has made me think about how I would behave — and currently (with migration and refugees so much in the news) it’s a vital moral question. I can understand you feeling that this lady needs friends of her own age, but let’s not undervalue what you’re giving. To be providing help with her English and the driving test is of inestimable value.

Younger friends almost certainly wouldn’t have time; that’s why what you are doing is so marvellous. And she may need help with childcare this summer, so maybe it would be fun for you to visit charity shops and collect a few toys to entertain her little one. How about a couple of Peppa Pig DVDs? I know you mention your health, but good karma can keep us young!

Have you asked her husband to visit? Had them round for tea and cakes? It’s always good to offer hospitality. You might suggest to him that she does an online course.

The more she sees you for a chat, the better her English will become — but surely it would be good for her to have a proper grounding? This husband may not even know she is feeling lonely — he may need a nudge. If you’ve made friends locally, could you arrange a small gathering for her to meet them? This lady needs attention — and (who knows?) her depression may turn out to be age-old loneliness in a new country. It’s worth us all pausing for a moment to imagine how that feels... Good luck, you lovely people.