by Fiona Looney
He’s just stepped down as the Sinn Féin leader, but we doubt Gerry Adams has been resting on his laurels. From writing Valentine cards to Mary Lou McDonald, to taking long soaks with his rubber ducks, here’s how Mr Adams might have kicked off his retireme
SUNDAY
LOVELY sunny morning in Co Louth. Cycled down to the shop to get the papers without a care in the world. So happy not to have the weight of the world or the responsibility for reuniting Ireland on my shoulders any more that I cycled into a field by mistake. It looked familiar. I don’t like it when fields look familiar. Especially when I’m listening to Can U Dig It on my iPod at the time.
The woman in the shop told me that the papers are full of Mary Lou saying Tiocfaidh Ár Lá at the end of her speech last night. Not very much in them about me. I decided not to buy them so. Was going to buy a loaf of bread but then I realised I might regret that too.
I went for a cycle around the area to say hello to some of my constituents, but they all seemed to be out.
Maybe they were on a Sunday ‘drive’. I noticed that many of them have had that Hive thing installed though, because even though nobody was there, the lights in the house came on.
The bike got a puncture on the way back and by the time I got up the hill and home, the tyre was completely flat. I know how it felt.
MONDAY
AN chéad lá of the rest of my life. I have so many projects that I want to devote my time to now that I’ve retired, I scarcely know where to start.
Considered cleaning the trampoline with the power hose but decided it was too cold. Especially to do it in the nude.
Collette keeps asking me to do something about the garden but shovels make me nervous. Told her that if it gets too overgrown, we can just go and live in one of our other houses. Charged my phone so that if Mary Lou called looking for advice, I’d be on full battery. She didn’t call. Watched the Today Show on RTÉ. It’s very good. I like Daithí because he has an Irish name and an appreciation of our Celtic heritage. I know this because he ate some spuds during the cookery demo. Not so sure about Maura, as she’s married to that Blueshirt Deasy. I’d kill for her figure though.
Enjoyed a long hot soak with some of my favourite rubber ducks. One of them has gone very shrivelled
TUESDAY
SOME brochures arrived in the post this morning for retirement homes. I didn’t request them so they must have been sent in error. But when I checked in with the housekeepers at my other houses, they said the same brochures had arrived there as well.
One of them actually looks quite appealing: it’s designed for retired political activists and is called Shady Pasts. They offer chair yoga in the morning and armchair republicanism in the afternoon.
They also have military drills in the mountains at the weekends. It’s especially recommended for people with dementia, as they encourage everyone there to deny the past. Another place is called Tháining Ár Lá. Ted likes that one best because they have feather beds. And tar pits.
Sent Mary Lou a WhatsApp but she didn’t reply. Her wifi must be down. Posted a picture of my odd socks on Snapchat. Got 82 likes, but then realised I was sitting on my phone by mistake. I considered going to my local library to borrow a book on gardening without digging anything up, but I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the public library. It was Pancake Tuesday so I made a load of pancakes and ate too many of them, with lemon and sugar – lemon, because it’s sharp like me, and sugar, because also like me, it’s sweet. And quite bad for your teeth. Only joking! They were very stodgy. I know how they feel.
WEDNESDAY
ROSES are red, Sinn Féin is Green, I used to be King, Now Mary Lou’s Queen. I sent her a Valentine’s card with that verse written on it, as well as those three little words every woman wants to hear – tiocfaidh ár lá – but I don’t know if she sent one back because the postman didn’t call here at all today. Maybe the road is flooded again. I phoned the housekeepers in my other houses, but the roads around them must be flooded as well. Also, the phone lines appear to be down now. Called Vincent Browne to tell him I’m willing to take part in his documentary about me now, but he said it went out last week. I asked him if many people watched it but the line went dead. And they say rural broadband is unreliable! Went for a bounce on my trampoline in the nude but it was very cold. It reminded me of when the British crown forces withdrew from the streets of Belfast. Ted started crying then so we went back inside and watched the Winter
Olympics for a while. I like the bobsleigh because it’s very dangerous, you have to keep your head down and you have to work as part of a team.
I took the dog for a walk and we passed a field of goats. Took a few selfies with them and posted one on Twitter, saying how much I love kids. Deleted it later when a journalist rang to ask me for a comment. I asked them if they wanted a comment on anything else, but that wifi problem is obviously affecting all of Dublin.
Gave myself some ashes for Ash Wednesday from the grate, as I’m not really sure where the church is. They didn’t turn out very well; they looked a bit dirty and grey. I know how they feel.
THURSDAY
WOKE up to the news that efforts to restore powersharing at Stormont have failed. It was all they were talking about on the wireless (I prefer radios without wires; they don’t make me as nervous). Decided to contact Mary Lou to offer my services in trying to broker a new agreement between the various parties but she must have lost her phone, because when I put in her number, it said the number I had called had not been recognised.
Poor Mary Lou! First she loses half her councillors, now she loses her iPhone!
I cycled down to the shop and bought a pay-as-you-go phone to send to her, but when I brought the package down to the post office, they said it would have to be blown up in a controlled explosion. I decided I didn’t want to cause any trouble so I cycled back up the hill again.
On the way, I saw a robin and a starling fighting over a worm. It reminded me of the DUP and Sinn Féin, with the robin’s fiery red breast puffed up like an angry unionist and the starling looking for all the world like it was wearing a little balaclava. The worm is the Irish language, because even if you cut it in half, it’s strictly speaking still dead. I took a photo of the scene and tried to tweet it but I’d no wifi. When I got home I got into the car so that I could drive to somewhere with reliable wifi, like Leinster House. But the car wouldn’t start because it’s so long since I used it that the battery’s kaput. I know how it feels.
FRIDAY
I DIDN’T go to the IFTAs last night because I wasn’t invited but I was very interested to see that Gabriel Byrne received a lifetime achievement award from his peers.
I remember watching Gabriel just starting out in The Riordans at a time when I was already very actively involved in political life. Yet he’s the one who receives a lifetime’s achievement? It doesn’t seem fair to me, but sure go n-éirí an bóthar leis, in any case.
I like Saoirse Ronan as well, because Saoirse means freedom and Ronan means a seal, two things that I’m passionate about. I’ve always had a real love of wildlife – in my youth, I spent a great deal of time in fox holes – and now I have more time on my hands, I think I’d like to learn more about the animals and plants that surround us.
I tried to befriend a feral cat in the garden this morning but it dug its nails into my calf. More bloodshed! Had I been wearing trousers, it would have surely destroyed them. I decided to take a drive over the border to test the temperature post-Stormont collapse and pre-Brexit, so I borrowed jump leads from my neighbour, Emmet ‘Red Diesel ‘McFinnerty. “No need to look so ‘jumpy’,” I joked after he’d handed them to me, but he’d already barricaded himself into his garage.
After I got the car started, me and Ted went to Newry to take soundings in Sainsbury’s, where they had an offer on free range chickens.
‘Go raibh maith agat,’ I said to the girl on the checkout. But she told me they had no vacancies. Called in to my other houses on the way back. I must have a word with my housekeepers about getting that Hive thing installed, as I noticed the lights all went out as I approached. Also, it seems I brought the wrong keys.
When I got home, I cooked a healthy stir fry with beansprouts (26), strips of courgette (18), red peppers (1), yellow peppers (2) and mange tout (11).
Then I settled down to watch The Late Late Show with Ted. Mary Lou was on. She didn’t mention my card and after a while I realised the First Dates Valentines Special was also on, which as a substantive issue was probably more important for me to watch. Tried to change the channel but the remote wasn’t working. I know how it feels.