ALANA KIRK

Author Alana, 48, is a mother of three daughters aged 12, 11 and 7. She says: LIKE a lot of Irish people my sex education came though biology in school. Then in the 1980s those AIDS ads with tombstones were on TV and I definitely remember my mother talking to me about it then and it seemed that sex was a really dangerous thing. Certainly there was no discussion of pleasure. It was very much, “Don’t have sex. It could kill you.”

When I was 19 and at university, I wanted to bring my first boyfriend home and I told Mum we were sleeping together. She sat down and said — and I really wasn’t expecting this — “Okay. And how was it?” I said, “Oh, really?” She said, “I want to know you’re happy.” We had this really bizarre conversation where she talked about her first time and how awful it had been because no one had told her what to do. We had a really open conversation.

There is such a big difference in those five years between 14 and 19. When I needed to have those discussions with my mother she imagined I was too young. I really believe girls should know their sexual value and potential before a boy touches them. With my three girls I’ve always used the words penis and vagina — I don’t want to use silly words.

My older girl is nearly 13 and knows about sex. At 11 I bought her a book on puberty and we talked about the things her amazing body can do. I told her all about periods and babies and I said, “Your body also has a huge capacity for pleasure and when you’re older we’ll talk about that”. When the word sex came up, I said, “Do you know what sex is?”

She said, “I think it’s when people get naked under the duvet.” I said, “Actually, there’s a physical thing you do.”

If children ask you a question and they see you’re embarrassed, they think, “Oh that’s a subject that’s a bit tawdry”. So I try to answer every question as honestly as I can, no matter how difficult.

I’ve already explained to the girls that there are people who might try to hurt them but that it’s very rare. From early on I’ve given my girls safe words. They can ring me and say something that sounds innocuous and I’ll know to pick them up or take them out of a situation. I want them to always be able to come to me and say, “So this happened”. I’m a fairly open person —that’s important.