What’s wrong with dads giving daughters a... smacker on the LIPS
WHEN my little girls — five-yearold twins Leila and Caitlin — get home from school with their mother, the first thing they do is burst into my office and demand a big hug and a kiss.
What’s a dad to do? Work forgotten, I let them clamber all over me, and then pucker up for a quick smack on the lips.
Their cuddles and kisses couldn’t be happier or more naturally affectionate — but in the back of my mind, I’m aware that some observers would judge this wholly innocent behaviour in the harshest and most disturbing of terms.
David Beckham found that out recently when he posted a picture of himself kissing his seven-year-old daughter, Harper, during a day out.
‘Why are they kissing?’ one person asked. ‘This is not right!’ another chimed in. Then more followed. ‘Parents and kids don’t make out!!’ ‘This is not appropriate.’ ‘Disgusting.’
Leaving aside the question of whether the Beckhams’ private life is any of these busybodies’ concern, it made me sad to see such an outpouring of fury towards a dad who clearly loves and cares deeply about his daughter.
As for myself, looking again at the sweet picture, I felt a sudden swell of unexpected sadness. You see, I know how damaging it can be when the opposite problem exists in a family. My life has been marked by the pain that is caused when parents are too reluctant to show physical affection.
MY MOTHER reacted to a hug as if you were handing her a box of sizzling dynamite: body visibly braced, eyes shut, head turned away, arms gingerly extended. Although she was warm and caring in other ways, contact rendered her stiff and awkward. The last time she kissed me was probably when I was five and she was leaving me alone at school for the first time.
My father was much more physical, but sadly only in the form of slaps, punches and kicks. A deeply angry man, he cared little for me or my sister.
As a result, the two of us as adults don’t really ‘do’ hugs. Our attempts to be more warm and cuddly with each other are pathetic, all sharp elbows, bumped cheeks and air-kisses.
But while Mum and Dad were deeply mortified by any display of affection, my sister and I have realised, first, that we can laugh at our own awkwardness — and second, that showing your love to the people you care about is truly important.
My partner Donna is also not naturally ‘cuddly’. But we both know affection is like nourishment to children — if you starve them of it, you damage them.
As a result, we’re wildly affectionate with our girls. Leila and Caitlin know they can have a cuddle ‘whenever you want one’. And they hold us to that. While I was writing that last sentence Cat walked into the room and demanded ‘a cuddle when you pick me up’. My instinct was to ask her to wait, but I didn’t.
Recently, the girls have been asking for kisses from me. First it was kisses on the cheek, then on the lips. Just quick pecks. They’re experimenting with various forms of affection. Sometimes they’ll kiss me, other times they’ll jump on me and knock me to the floor.
I’m not going to tell my girls they can’t kiss me on the lips. What if I did, and then saw hurt and confusion in their eyes as they tried to understand the rejection?
I believe showing easy, natural affection is even more important between fathers and daughters. Psychologists say a young girl will often first see herself through her dad’s eyes. If he treats her lovingly — beautiful, clever and worthy — she is more likely to see herself that way.
Conversely if he treats her as unworthy, she is more likely to see herself that way. That’s why I never shy away from giving my girls physical affection or telling them I love them. I say it at least two or three times a day. And I can see how our closeness bolsters their confidence.
Being honest, kissing on the lips does make me feel slightly ill at ease sometimes. Such intimacy doesn’t always come naturally to me. But what kind of message would it send if I refused to kiss them? It still grieves me that my parents never overcame their reluctance to show love. My dad came from a huge family where affection was considered unnecessary. How different David Beckham’s recollections of childhood sound! Defending his harmless kiss for his daughter, he said: ‘I’m very affectionate with the kids. It’s how I was brought up, and [my wife] Victoria, and it’s how we are with our children. We want to show our kids love and we protect them, look after them, and support them.’ The Beckhams have fallen back on models of child-rearing absorbed from their parents. Fortunately, it sounds like they came from loving, open families. For those of us not so lucky, it’s important to forge new paths with our own children. The time will come when Leila and Cat won’t even want to be in the same room as me, never mind give me kisses. So, like Beckham, I will never turn down a cuddle or a kiss from my girls. When my girls say ‘pucker up’, I pucker up.