I’m trying to change but she’s fallen out of love with me

DEAR BEL

MY PARTNER and I are each divorced, together for seven years, three children between us.

She has two daughters, one at uni and the other still at school with quite severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). The younger daughter and I get on well and I love her as if she were my own.

Two weeks ago, my partner moved into the spare room, needing ‘time and space’. When we talk (which isn’t often) about her reasons she says it’s because I was always moaning — mostly about this daughter.

I just couldn’t understand why she was always so accommodating towards the obsessions — most of which would impact on me. So I’d have to go and sit in the car when the daughter came home from school while she carried out her lengthy routines.

When they’re over, the daughter won’t give us time together, making it impossible to talk or watch anything on the TV. Not a word from the mother — just acceptance.

Hence when we did get time together in the mornings before I left for work, I would speak about my concerns about the routines/obsessions, but clearly it came across as moaning.

This chipped away at her and she fell out of love with me. Then, because of my weight, she stopped fancying me. By going to the gym, I’ve lost 2st. I’m 5ft 9in and now weigh 18st —still too big, but I’m working on it.

Obviously, I have promised not to moan and not be grumpy and just let her get on with it — which I’ve been doing. My partner’s not yet convinced. Only time will tell.

When she’s in a good mood, she might kiss me goodbye. At other times, she’s cold and distant, confusing me still further.

I’m trying not to be needy and asking for hugs and kisses (she always obliges), but it’s hard when I love her so much. She says I’m caring and considerate and we were a good team.

But I can’t deal with this uncertainty. I feel so bad for the impact on my young son. I left his mother when he was a small boy and I thought we would show him a stable home life. He is the only reason I haven’t found a quiet stretch of railway line. But now I feel a failure to him.

I have no friends or family to talk to. I didn’t need any — she was my best friend — the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.

DAVID

THIS is your second email; the first came in October. Then you described a difficult situation: your weight, her coolness (not yet separate rooms) and your fear that a fresh interest in her appearance indicated a new relationship.

You asked: ‘Should I cut my losses and leave, with all of the hurt and upset that would cause?’ Had I replied, I’d have advised just what you are doing — diet and exercise — but also couple counselling.

This email reveals things are much worse — and you also confess to problems with your partner’s daughter not mentioned before. So the situation is far more complicated than it first seemed.

It must be very trying, living with her daughter. You don’t say whether you have custody of your son, but the poor girl’s mental health must dominate the household when he is there.

I would be interested to know if you left his mother for this partner; also at what stage her daughter’s OCD started to show. The past never fails to impinge on the present and it could be that both of you feel anxious and/ or guilty about the effect of your respective divorces on your children.

When a second marriage/ relationship founders it can be worse than the end of the first one(s) — simply because it was achieved at great cost. These are things to think about, if you want to make sense of where you are. The blunt truth is this: although you say you love the daughter, you have built up a lot of resentment at the way her condition spoils life.

When you first wrote, you were thinking about walking out. Now you tell me that, far from leaving your partner, you would consider killing yourself were it not for your son — so great is your sadness at what you are seeing as the loss of the great love of your life.

Let me stress that if you do have thoughts of self-destruction you should call the Samaritans free any time, from any phone, on 116 123.

It doesn’t sound as if this relationship is over yet. Of course you are confused — but I suspect she is, too.

David, you have to make proper time to talk — and I hope you make it very clear that you want to help find the appropriate treatment for her daughter. It’s no good complaining; you need to make it very clear that you care. If you show determination to continue with your weight loss, it will be very good for your health, as well as the relationship.

Obviously, you would benefit from couple counselling, or you could try a one-to-one session. Instead of asking your partner for hugs and kisses, it’s time to carve out real quality time with your son —- getting him away from the house and sharing activities together.