You need a place to crash? We can help!
WORRIED about Brexit? Looking for a new business opportunity that will survive even the harshest economic storms? Keen to capitalise on the charms that make this country unique amongst its European neighbours? Fearful that we may no longer claim to be the top destination for entrepreneurs, innovators and risk-takers seeking to exploit all the advantages Ireland has to offer? Fear no more.
There’s one area of enterprise where nobody can touch us, which still rewards entrepreneurs, innovators and risk-takers – especially risk-takers, actually – with riches beyond their wildest dreams. And the time is ripe for small businesses to explore the possibilities of this thriving sector, to seek out roles for themselves in helping it to flourish, and to do all they can to ensure Ireland remains the best small country in the world in which to do… whiplash.
The days are gone when we could rely on the scenery and the craic and the comely maidens dancing with orange-bearded, tin-whistleplaying leprechauns at crossroads to lure foreign visitors to our shores. Niche tourism is where it’s at today: swimming with sharks in Fiji, war-zone tours in Syria, bungee jumping into volcanos in Chile, those are the kind of thrills that modern holidaymakers want these days. And our own growing niche product of ‘whiplash tourism’ has the potential to knock them all into a cocked, emerald-velvet, black-buckled top hat.
Over the past few years, a brave group of pioneering litigants have begun making the journey to our shores to explore the extreme delights of ‘whiplash tourism’. Pick up a newspaper any day, and you’ll read yet another account of an overseas holidaymaker taking in the historic Four Courts on the final leg of their tour. Some pesky judges refuse to get with the spirit of the thing and spoil all the fun for everyone, but there’s still plenty of opportunities for whiplash tourists to enjoy a memorable, and rewarding, trip.
And this is not a customer base the British can snaffle post-Brexit: They capped their whiplash payouts at a stingy £3,725 (around €4,200) last year and they’re talking about cutting it to a maximum of under £500. And that’s all great news for us, because there’s no cap on whiplash payments in this country. Here you’d be most unlucky to walk out of court (still wincing and rubbing your aching neck, of course, until you’re out of sight of the judge) with less than €20,000. Multiples of that sum, in fact, are common.
The opportunities for all manner of businesses to capitalise on this market are obvious. If you’re coming to Ireland to stage a rear-ending accident, after all, you’re going to need cheap, short-stay packages, offering great potential for the uglier parts of the country: You’re not coming for the landscapes, are you? If your town or village regularly takes the wooden spoon in the Tidy Towns competition, this is music to your ears.
Neglected towns with by-passed hotels, run-down B&Bs, and restaurants with ‘health and safety’ issues could offer attractive deals to whiplash tourists looking for an out-of-the-way accident locus.
Locals could offer their services as witnesses – ‘I saw the whole thing with my own two eyes, your honour’ – with special premiums for lisping, winsome children and women guaranteed to sob throughout their testimony at the sheer trauma of the memory.
Youngsters could earn pocket-money with cycle-by stonings of CCTV cameras, or scouting for dimly lit stretches of roads without any cameras at all. Private ambulance services equipped with back-boards and neck-braces could offer 24-hour callouts. Carhire companies could keep a fleet of old and dented vehicles to rent out, at reduced rates, so they could be rammed into one another. And sympathetic doctors could earn a fortune certifying nonexistent injuries as life-changing and chronic. Oh, wait…
We just need to formalise an industry that is already prospering, even without Government or tourism industry support. Most of the ‘whiplash tourism’ seems to be family holidays, at the moment, since so many overseas claimants appear to be related to one another. But there’s great potential to appeal to individual holidaymakers seeking something a little different from their annual vacation, not to mention the enormous compensation cheques they take home as souvenirs. Just like the ‘volcano-bungee-jumping in Chile’ or the ‘singles treks through Aleppo’, specialist tour companies could offer the whole deal: flights +accommodation+ car-hire+ witnesses +‘ stranger’ to ram your rear, then disappear into the night.
They could also arrange your follow-up trip for your day in court – swimming with sharks in Fiji, by comparison, is strictly for sissies. And the package could be rounded off with complimentary champagne when the ‘whiplash tourist’ pockets the cheque. Best of all, so long as we keep paying out multiples of the awards other jurisdictions offer, we’ve got this market all sewn up. Happy days, indeed.