Why everything you thought about GREAT SEX may be wrong

MUST-READ ADVICE FOR COUPLES IN INSPIRE

THESE are astonishing times for sex. With the click of a mouse, you can check your technique, look for new positions or even find a partner.

But with sex getting all this attention, are people feeling any more satisfied in bed?

I doubt it. Couples in long-term committed relationships have as much trouble as ever keeping desire alive.

Some people know intuitively how to stay erotically connected once the overwhelming desire they felt in the first few years starts to wane. But many don’t, which is unfortunate since it’s not that hard once you know how.

Over the past 30 years as a sex therapist, I’ve treated more than 1,500 individuals and couples. What’s that been like? Well, chiefly it’s meant hearing about lots of bad sex.

I think by now I may be one of the world’s foremost experts on bad sex. That may sound like a dubious honour, but, in fact, it’s been really useful. Hearing about so many kinds of bad sex has left me with a deeper understanding about what makes for good sex — and even great sex.

There are lots of books these days about technique, but my new book, Love Worth Making, How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex In A Long-Lasting Relationship, goes in a completely different direction.

It’s all about feelings. Sexual arousal is a particular state of mind and follows its own set of rules. Once you learn how arousal really works, that can pay off big-time in a committed relationship.

Interested? Good. Let’s get started.

IT’S WHAT A WOMAN SEES IN THE MIRROR THAT MATTERS

A MIDLIFE woman comes to see me about some problems with her husband. She mentions that in the early years of their marriage the sex they shared was particularly good.

‘What was so good about it?’ I ask, naturally curious.

She answers without a moment’s hesitation. ‘I felt pretty,’ she says. ‘And I felt sexy.’

Things have changed a little since this woman was a newlywed. It’s now recognised that there’s much more to a woman’s sexual pleasure than simply being the object of desire. But many women in my practice still tell me that feeling desired is more important than orgasm. They still enjoy fantasies of being sexually irresistible.

The reality is that most women don’t just like to feel desired: they need it. It’s like oxygen. Most women tell me they rather enjoy being chased, by someone who’s worthy of her.

The problem in most marriages is that when a man starts to feel his wife is a sure thing, he stops chasing her. When that happens, their erotic relationship loses something essential. Sex books typically advise women to manipulate the situation — by introducing elements of risk or uncertainty, or by making themselves less reliably available.

I don’t like that approach. Most men don’t enjoy having their feelings manipulated, and most women don’t appreciate having one more job to do.

I find it’s better to put the responsibility on the man, and to educate him about his partner’s need to be pursued.

Then it’s his job to decide how to use this information and to face the consequences of his decisions. If he doesn’t act accordingly, then I have no sympathy for him.

DON’T SNUGGLE UP IN FRONT OF THE TV

TOO much cuddling can neuter your relationship. Sorry, I know you don’t want to hear it, but it’s true. Couples who spend their evenings curled up together in front of the TV are quietly depleting whatever erotic charge might remain between them. I’d rather couples not touch each other too much, unless there’s some erotic energy to be passed around.

A better alternative to cuddling is what we sex therapists call ‘simmering’ — getting aroused together on a regular basis, just for a moment or two, even when you don’t have the time or inclination to go all the way.

That generally means no orgasms, no rhythmic stroking, no heavy breathing. Nothing that’s going to leave you too frustrated after you have to stop.

Couples who are overworked and distracted (ie, most of us) often neglect to get aroused in each other’s company unless they intend to have sex. That’s a mistake. Most couples need to get aroused together much more frequently than that. Simmering is probably the most important technique in the whole sex therapy tool-kit.

The happiest erotic couples simmer all the time. The deep secret to most sexually happy couples’ erotic connection is that it’s the simmering, rather than the sex, that keeps them erotically attuned to each other.

Here’s an example of what simmering looks like: A man is