BORN FOR EACH OTHER!
The secret to a happy marriage? A new book says it hinges on where you fall in your family’s birth order
WHETHER it’s a physical type, the same sense of humour or similar interests, most of us have a checklist of qualities we are looking for in the perfect partner. But for your best chance of a happy relationship, it seems you should actually choose your mate on the basis of where they come in their family birth order — and how well that fits with yours, according to a growing range of research.
Whether they are the oldest, youngest, middle or only child, experts say this position is so crucial to the development of personality that it could make or break your relationship.
Psychologist Dr Kevin Leman, author of The Birth Order Book: Why You Are The Way You Are, says: ‘Understanding how our partner’s personality was formed by their place in the family — as well as our own — can give invaluable guidance to why some partners are a more natural fit for us, and vice versa.
‘Early on in life, we all develop a mantra. For an older child it might be: “I should be the one in charge”. For the only child it might be: “I only count in life if I get on with other people.” For the youngest child it might be: “I may be last, but I am not going to be least.”
‘Because birth order is how we learn to be with others from the start, these experiences get carried forward into how we relate to loved ones in adult relationships.’
Lisette Schuitemaker, co-author of the book The Eldest Daughter Effect, says: ‘However different children of one family may be, the hierarchical birth position is implanted deep within. The data has found that having a relationship in which your birth order position is in a complimentary position to your partner’s gives the best chance of long-standing happiness.’
So which sibling is the best match for you according to both your — and their — place in the family? TANITH CAREY reports... FIRST-BORN & FIRST-BORN Celebrity couple: Prince William and Kate Middleton ELDEST children are used to taking charge because parents often ask them to help out with the care of younger siblings, according to author Lisette. Fearful of being displaced in their affection, they also tend to want to please them by being more conventional and rule-following.
‘This is the likely reason that Prince William is not alone in choosing another eldest child for his bride. Most European crown princes in recent years have married first-born women,’ says Lisette.
She points out that as an eldest son, his father Prince Charles’ marriage to Camilla, another eldest daughter, is likely to have been happier than his relationship with Diana, who was the third of four children, for the same reasons.
However this does not mean two first-borns always have an easy time in a relationship, adds Lisette. ‘As long as love flourishes between two first-borns, all might be hunky-dory.
‘But as soon as this first flush of love is over, they will be two people both used to getting their own way. Two first-borns will always feel the effects of rank conflicting because they’re both leaders.’ IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP: According to several studies, eldest children are most likely to be unfaithful, possibly in an effort to recreate the intense one-on-one relationship they lost with their parents before their siblings arrived and displaced them. So within these relationships, it’s important for both to help the other feel valued and unique.
If you often clash over decisions, understand the deep-seated reasons which make you both feel you must be right.
As first-borns tend to feel they are loved conditionally on their achievements, they will also be happier if they tell each other they are loved for who they are, not what they achieve.
FIRST-BORN & MIDDLE CHILD Celebrity Couple: Michael Douglas (first-born) and Catherine Zeta-Jones (middle child)
THIS marriage has a good chance of success because middle children have the best track record for staying faithful, possibly because they learn to make the best of being squeezed in the middle as children — and are willing to be accommodating in marriage, too.
The good news for first-borns is that, within marriage, middle children are also more open-minded and open to exploration within their sex lives, according to a study in the journal Sexual Nature.
While they are the peace-makers of the family, Lisette says middleborns sometimes struggle to assert themselves in a relationship. ‘Looking up at their elder siblings they see what they have yet to learn. Looking down they also see what they have already mastered so they are not sure how to define their role within the family.’
However, Lisette says the good news for this match is that they tend to admire older sibling partners ‘as dominant and assertive; and don’t mind them taking charge — as they are used to being told what to do by an elder sibling.’ IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP: As they have been squeezed between eldest and youngest children, middle children need to be allowed to say how they feel in a relationship, says Lisette. ‘Being great listeners, they need to remember to stand up for themselves at times instead of being self-effacing in keeping their partners happy and content,’ she says.
In this relationship, eldest children can also help by making gestures that make their middle-born spouse feel special, like giving small gifts and romantic touches, because they would have often felt forgotten during childhood.
FIRST-BORN & YOUNGEST CHILD Celebrity couple: Emma Thompson (first-born) Greg Wise (youngest)
ACCORDING to one study of more than 3,000 families, the odds of a happy marriage are highest when first-born women marry a lastborn son. This relationship will work even better if the man has an older sister, like Greg Wise, who is married to Emma Thompson. Greg was very close to elder sister Clare, who died of cancer in 2017.
‘This is because a youngest son will have experience of understanding and learning to deal with a more dominant woman,’ says
Lisette. Furthermore, first-born daughters will provide the organisational skills that last-born men may not have developed, due to being pampered as the baby of the family — while youngest sons will help more intense first-born women laugh and relax more.
IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP: While opposites do attract in this relationship, it’s important to check that each partner is pulling their weight equally. First-born daughters will also need to resist the temptation to mother youngest sons or criticise their disorganisation or lack of drive.
‘The younger son may be used to putting his older sister on a pedestal — and he may do that to his partner — while she might fall into the role of trying to be Wonder Woman all the time and do too much for him,’ warns Lisette.
MIDDLE CHILD & MIDDLE CHILD Celebrity couple: Gordon and Tana Ramsay
THIS is one of the most difficult combinations to make work, according to studies of married couples. Birth order psychologist Dr Kevin Leman says: ‘That’s because during childhood middle children were overpowered by the first born and then undercut by the youngest.
‘So they tend to be very cautious about telling the truth about their feelings because they are worried they won’t be heard.’
‘When both are middle children, the result can be a growing emotional distance between the two of them.’
IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP: Have a date night once a week and have as many conversations as you can about everything from money and sex so your needs both get heard.
Talk about your experiences as middle-borns and understand how it might have negatively affected self-image for both of you, because you were less likely to get one-onone attention from your parents.
MIDDLE CHILD & YOUNGEST CHILD Celebrity couple: Emily Blunt (middle child) and John Krasinski (youngest)
WHILE, generally, middle-born children tend to have harmonious relationships with partners from any place in the birth order, this partnership may throw up some issues. This is because middle children do not expect to get their own way because they rarely did as children when caught between a domineering elder sibling and a spoilt younger one.
However youngest children will have learned to get exactly that because they were indulged more as the babies of the family, which means they can take advantage of middle-born partners.
On the plus side, more amenable middle-borns are more likely to indulge last-born children’s tendency towards more creative and risk-taking careers which, psychologists say, often develop as a way of distinguishing themselves from older brothers and sisters. According to clinical psychologist Linda Blair, author of the book Birth Order: ‘There may be less order and not as much goal-directed behaviour in this pairing, but the relationship has more chance of being an amicable one.’ IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP: Youngest children need to check they are not always trying to be the centre of attention — at the expense of their spouse. Middle-born children may also have to stand up to youngest children to bring them back down to earth and make sure they act in the interests of the whole family, not just their own.
YOUNGEST CHILD & YOUNGEST CHILD Celebrity couple: Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds
AS NO brother or sister came along to take their place, two youngest children in a partnership will have always kept their position as the most indulged member of their families. This means neither will have completely grown up.
As a result, last-borns have a built-in tendency to not take responsibility and blame each other when things go wrong, according to Dr Leman.
IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP: Work out each other’s strengths and allocate roles on that basis so important tasks don’t get ignored.
As youngest children tend to be the funniest members of families — Dr Leman points out that most comedians are last-borns — keep your relationship strong by both making the most of your sense of humour.
ONLY CHILD & FIRST-BORN Celebrity Couple: Charlize Theron (only) and Brad Pitt (eldest)
ONLY children have never known the shattering feeling of being displaced by a new arrival — and so may not understand how jealous and insecure first-borns can feel in adult relationships, too.
This means that only children can’t understand why a first-born partner becomes paranoid if they spend too much time with a new colleague of the opposite sex at work, or indulge in some mild flirtation at a party, especially as only children tend to see the world only from their point of view.
IMPROVE THE RELATIONSHIP: Only children also never had to learn to negotiate with other siblings in the way first-borns did.
Both eldest children and only children expect to be in charge.
However, an only child’s refusal to compromise on anything, because they never had to during their childhoods, will enrage a firstborn who had to step aside.
Understanding how their attitudes are shaped by their family history will help both understand their reactions.