It’s never too late to find love . . . if you follow this advice
FINDING love in midlife is hard. Dating second time round can be both daunting and bewildering especially when the rules have changed so much since you were last out there — and no doubt you have, too.
The good news is, that as a leading relationship coach and author, with 20 years of experience helping individuals to become stronger, happier versions of themselves, particularly after relationship break-ups, I can help you navigate this new world.
Think of this as a time of opportunity — your chance to redesign your life as you want to live it. Take heart, be brave. With my advice, you really can gain the power and strength to find love.
IT’S NOT THEM, IT’S YOU
TO FIND love, you must rediscover your identity as an individual first, otherwise how can you know who would suit you?
Ask yourself, what makes me happy? What did I enjoy when I was younger? If I could choose anything to do now, what would it be? Identify what interests you and act on it. This shifts your focus. It can’t, and mustn’t, be all about finding someone. Then, figure out what values are most important to you. Love, security, passion, adventure, stability, honesty, drive? Work out your top five values for a relationship, and rank them.
If stability is your priority, and you meet a man whose number one value is adventure, however much you love each other, that relationship is going to be tricky. He’ll want to jump out of planes and climb mountains, which will constantly challenge your most cherished value and make you unhappy.
DITCH YOUR FRIENDS
WHO you spend time with directly impacts how you feel about yourself, as well as your opportunities to meet new people. Often your closest friends are not the most helpful in this particular area of our lives.
Don’t always retreat to your safe space — the old friend who says: ‘We’ll stay in, get a takeaway.’ Be brave, push through your comfort zone, or you’ll remain stuck. Book a retreat or a cookery course and go alone. Chances are you’ll only do it on your own once because you’ll create new friendships with people in a similar situation — people, who are, like you, being positive about finding love.
YES, YOU ARE READY
THESE days you can date from your sofa, in your pyjamas. You just go online. A lot of my clients say, ‘I’m not ready!’ My advice is, ‘You’ll never be ready, just do it.’
Dating from home will build you up. You’ll get a few ‘likes’, and chat for a bit, then realise ‘people want to meet me’. That will motivate you to take control of whatever is denting your confidence. A lot of my clients feel they’ve let themselves go. Face what worries you — weight, fitness, lifestyle — and enjoy changing. Present the person you want your date to see.
LEARN THE RULES
THE DATING game has changed, so be prepared to play by the new rules. If you’re meeting people online, it’s normal to date more than one person. That means chatting to and engaging with up to six people at a time.
You might arrange coffee with three or four. But only when you’ve had the chat ‘Are we exclusive?’ is it a strictly monogomous relationship. Until then, expect them to date other people, too.
DON’T BE A LIMPET!
WHEN searching for love, you can’t look for someone to fill the emotional gaps in you — you’ve got to fill those gaps yourself. You need to heal any hurt or upset you’re carrying yourself.
In my clinic, I often see clients who are unhappy because they don’t like being alone, so their criteria for a new partner is ‘do they have a pulse?’ and ‘they showed me a sign of affection’. People like this go into what I call ‘limpet mode’ — they sucker themselves to anyone who shows a glimmer of interest and bombard them with messages. It scares the person off.
You have to find a way of accepting yourself, of loving your own strengths and weaknesses.
Part of this is having a positive outlook and enough selfawareness to be good company. Don’t point out you’re having a bad hair day or detail every woe.
Think of a few fun, upbeat topics of conversation. That said, if what you project is not the real you, you’re wasting your time.
THE Split: From Breakup To Breakthrough In 30 Days Or Less by Sara Davison is out now (amazon.co.uk). See saradavison.com