Ignore your friends. They’re childish

STEPH SAYS:

I UNDERSTAND why you’re insecure. If you’re a single woman looking for Mr Right, a man with a couple of long-term relationships under his belt — and credible reasons for their end — gets a reassuring ‘tick’.

However, I do think that is a little simplistic. Our relationship history does not define us as humans, and it would be unfair to judge someone on that alone.

Being gun-shy when it comes to love is not necessarily healthy, but neither is it a definite no-no. I do feel you are obsessing over his history when you should be entirely focused on your present.

The story you are living is between you and him and nobody else. And it may have a happy ever after. If, that is, you can relax enough to give it a chance.

At 51, he may be set in his ways and you may find it difficult, to start with. It’s true relationships teach you how to compromise, and he may have gaps in his knowledge in that area. But there’s no reason to say he wouldn’t be happy to fill those gaps in when he finds the right person. You’ve been married and know about living with someone.

As things progress, keep your eyes open for signs that he only wants to do what he wants and isn’t open to what you want too — for me, that’s a red flag — but you’re nowhere near that stage!

And you might not get there if you don’t stop worrying about his past relationships.

It sounds like you’re also getting rum advice from friends. I’m sure it’s not deliberate, but they are advising on how to run your new relationship from the comfort of their lovely, long marriages/partnerships. Yes, they want you to be happy, but have probably forgotten what it’s like in the early days of a romance.

They might be living vicariously through you. I’m sure they’re asking you for every last detail — and they have an opinion on it, too. They can’t help taking a pop at your new relationship and feeding your fear.

This is not necessarily helpful. Yes, you need their support, but this is not the time to entertain them with stories from the dating frontline. This is your relationship. It’s not just gossip to dissect over a bottle or two.

So, shut out the distraction of friends and listen to your inner voice. If it’s telling you he’s a player who’s about to bail out on you then fine, act upon it.

But if it’s simply your own insecurity and fear at being left, then learn to shut that out, too.

This could be the man who’s been waiting for you for all this time. He may have been rejecting previous girlfriends because they were not right for him — after all, they were not you!

Be brave but be insightful. Give him the benefit of the doubt here and give yourselves a fighting chance.