We’re upset because we don’t see our daughter

DEAR BEL OUR only daughter moved away after university and it felt like a door closing. Eight years on, we still know very little about her life. She has a partner who seems nice, but we see so little of them — currently not since Christmas.

Due to ill health, we’re dependent on them choosing when to visit. When they do come, we try hard to make them welcome.

Some years ago we paid for a holiday for us all but, despite a great time, nothing changed afterwards. Little messages on the mobile once or twice a week, never a phone call.

We only call her mobile once in a few weeks for fear of being intrusive and then feel upset that yet again she doesn’t answer. I’ve resisted mentioning I’m upset, as I think it could make her feel pressured and guilty. I want her to be in touch because she wants to be, but clearly she doesn’t. We also worry we wouldn’t be able to get hold of her in an emergency.

When we’re together it’s amicable, but superficial. I don’t ask personal questions so as not to be intrusive, hoping she may confide.

I realise she may not want to tell her mum everything, but the tiniest detail would be of great interest to me. What can we do? JAYNE

WHEN my daughter went to university, I cried yet rejoiced she had achieved independence. I knew very well she’d be fine.

Yet after two terms she complained. Other girls had mothers who were phoning them all the time, even visiting, but I was just letting her get on with it. I thought she wanted freedom, so kept my distance. She wanted communication and felt rather neglected.

In the most chatty of families (like ours) communication can still break down.

Your email is so sad, so anxious, so helpless — and I understand why you are avoiding telling your daughter that you love her, need her and want to know she is there.

Between demands and reticence is proper communication. I suspect you’ve been stinting on this valuable commodity for years.

You say your daughter messages ‘once or twice a week’. She chooses ‘thoughtful presents’ and ‘always seems kind and caring’. There will be lonely parents reading this who envy what you have. You shared that lovely holiday, but nothing changed thanks to ingrained habits.

I’m sure your daughter thought nothing of it; life just continued as it always had. And that is not because she is indifferent to you.

Some years ago I employed a wonderful lady who kept her birthday secret because she ‘didn’t like a fuss’. Then, out of the blue, came a sulk lasting a couple of weeks. After detective work, I discovered she was sad because nobody remembered her birthday.

You can’t blame people for not doing what you want them to do if you never let them know your heart’s desire. So why not issue invitations, instead of waiting for them to visit?

Or confide to your daughter that you feel worried about health matters, so you’d love it if you could instigate a weekly ‘check-in’ on the phone. It would be a good new habit — achieved by being proactive, rather than anxious and silent.