Why can’t I leave this rude, horrible man?
DEAR BEL
I’M 51 and have been in a relationship for ten years. When we met, we were both in other relationships, both of us having real problems. He eventually left his partner, but went back after she begged for a baby as she was in her early 40s.
They had a baby and I also got pregnant but miscarried. I already had two children. Our relationship was ok but he was busy with his daughter, and later a woman brought along a six-year-old child who was his. I accepted all that.
The past three years have been hell. He treats me like rubbish, talks to me like I am a nobody, shouts at me. Acts as if he does not like me — although he’s good to others. I cry every day. But for some reason can’t break up with him. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He has told me several times that we should break up, but I get so anxious and feel unhappy — yet am sad with him. I feel old and ugly.
When I ask him not to be so rude, he says everything has to be my way. I even apologise when I know I am not in the wrong. Why am I putting myself through this torture?
JANE
YOUR email subject line was, ‘Why can I not let go of an emotionally abusive relationship?’ which pre-empts my reply. It’s all there, isn’t it?
You are perfectly aware of the nature of this involvement. I find it hard to use the ‘relationship’ — increasingly, as an advice columnist, I find myself questioning the overused word ‘love’ as well.
The whole idea of a ‘relationship’ implies a connection, a mutuality. Does that describe the emotional prison you have put yourself in? Like so many people, you are locked into a delusion, as well as a miserable entanglement.
Ten years ago you already had two children yet tell me nothing about them or their father. What happened? It seems an extraordinary omission. Do you see them? What do they think of this man?
Your thoroughly depressing tale actually contains the lives of four children of different ages, innocents who seem side-lined by two adults who dislike each other yet stay locked in mutal destruction.
We have a duty to take control of our lives, if at all possible. Believing it is possible would be a start. I’m wondering what was it in your background that turned you into this helpless victim and whether you have ever sought help for what seem like chronic issues of low self-esteem? Talking to a professional would surely be helpful — although I do realise that, for some, there are financial constraints. But please consider it. You need help — and soon.
You sound depressed and it will only get worse while you stay with this man who hurts you every day. He says it would be better to split up, yet you resist. I suggest you visit liveboldand-bloom which gives nine reasons why women stay in abusive relationships. Please read through them carefully and take some time to consider which parts apply to you.
At 51 you have (hopefully) many years ahead. You are perfectly aware that you are wasting your life in this awful, loveless prison. The man makes your life a misery — so please just make the leap — and take back your freedom.