Why SO many of us are not having SEX

FEMAIL MAGAZINE

THERE’S a drawer in Vicky Doyle’s bedroom where she keeps her silk lingerie. The last time she pulled it open — a year ago, to put a new set away — she stared at its contents and burst into tears.

‘I thought back to when each item was bought, for birthdays, wedding anniversaries and this latest set, which my husband left on our bed as a romantic gesture, and I felt so sad,’ says Vicky. ‘I sat there holding a pair of lace-trimmed knickers, crying and wishing I was still the person I was the last time I wore them.’

Vicky says her old self feels like a stranger: someone who would confidently slip into sexy undies as part of an uncomplicated prelude to making love several times a week.

Today, the 38-year-old executive assistant finds the very idea of sex distressing. ‘I only occasionally agree to it, with the lights out.

‘He goes along with this because he’s just glad we’re having sex. But he says my hang-ups have taken the joy out of it.’

On the face of it, little should stand in the way of this couple enjoying a fulfilling sex life. Their friends, Vicky is certain, would be shocked by their lack of intimacy.

‘I haven’t confided in anyone at all, and I doubt Adam has either,’ she says. ‘It’s not the kind of thing you shout about.’

The problem? Since giving birth to her son Bobby two years ago, Vicky feels

deeply unhappy with how her body has changed — particularly her stomach, which bears a Caesarean scar. ‘I look in the mirror and see a flabby stomach,’ she says. ‘The last thing I feel like is having sex. I’m amazed my husband can get aroused.

‘He says I’m beautiful but it makes me feel worse. I don’t believe him.

‘Before Bobby was born, we used to have sex several times a week, sometimes more than once a night.

‘But now the weeks turn into months. When we try, I find it so difficult to relax and enjoy it.’

Vicky is far from alone. The crushing effect of poor body image on women’s sex drive is among the startling findings of an in-depth sex survey conducted for the Mail — the most revealing of its type in years.

Our poll asked more than 1,000 women aged over 25 about their affairs, their sexual appetite and what stops them having sex.

The answers are a fascinating window into what’s happening in our bedrooms — or not, because more than a quarter of women (27 per cent) said they no longer have sex.

That’s a startling proportion in an age when sex aids are casually offered for sale alongside supermarket groceries, especially considering that 72 per cent of those we spoke to were in a relationship.

YET behavioural psychologist and relationship expert Jo Hemmings says she isn’t surprised. ‘Modern life is frenetic — young women are chasing careers, often raising families too; middle age can see you stretched further with elderly relatives to care for.

‘When you finally steal some time for yourself, slumping on the sofa in front of a box set can seem easier than sex. After all, we have endless streamed entertainment at our fingertips these days.

‘I see female clients of all generations who say they struggle to find interest or time any more.’

Indeed, 55 per cent of women polled reported simple exhaustion has prevented them from having sex.

Vicky says that picture sounds familiar. ‘On top of everything else, I’m often too exhausted for sex.’

If you’re nodding in agreement, beware. Couples psychotherapist Hilda Burke warns always feeling too tired, or that you can’t be bothered, could actually mask a deeper problem with intimacy.

‘Tiredness is an often-used but flimsy reason for not wanting sex,’ she says. ‘The real reason could turn out to be much deeper dissatisfaction within the relationship, or one’s own looks.’

Hilda’s observation resonates with perhaps the poll’s most startling finding: that nearly a third of women surveyed (30 per cent) put their flagging sex lives down to negative body image.

That is more than said they had been affected by having a new baby (22 per cent) or the onset of menopause (20 per cent).

In other words, women of all ages are so worried about how they look that it’s stopping them from enjoying sex with the partners they told our interviewers they dearly love. ‘This is a symptom of our times,’ says clinical psychologist Lauren Callaghan, a leading expert in body dysmorphia. ‘We might think poor body image is mainly a problem for teenage girls, but it can eat away at women of any age.

‘Psychologically, adults are just as affected as young people by what they see online.

‘Marketing algorithms mean adverts for surgical enhancements and cosmetic tweaks are more likely to be sent their way, which often end up feeding their insecurities.

‘Whether you’re 15 or 45, if you compare yourself to digitally altered images on social media you’re bound to come up lacking. And there’s good evidence that, even if we rationally know better, psychologically it can be very hard to shake off the resulting body insecurities.’

‘All I see online is women who Revealing: (from left) Vicky, Ferdousye and Jackie look better than me,’ says Vicky. ‘It’s hard to accept I shouldn’t look the same.

‘I wish I could feel better about myself. I miss how close sex made me feel to Adam. We’ve argued many times over it.’

Vicky says her husband has tried everything to win her interest.

‘I came home one evening last year to find rose petals leading from the front door to the bathroom, where he’d run a bath and lit candles.

‘From there, they led to the bed. He’s cooked romantic dinners, and bought me lingerie. I know he wants me to feel sexy again — but I feel pressured and scared.

‘It feels like he just wants to have sex, even though I don’t want to. I get upset and it all ends in tears.

‘Now, even when Adam tries to give me a hug, I think, “Oh God, he wants to have sex,” and tense up.’ Jo Hemmings says that while Adam’s intentions are honourable, he would help Vicky more if he backed off a little. ‘Adam is just trying too hard. If Vicky isn’t in the mood, then she will be on anxious alert and these romantic gestures will send her running.’

Jo suggests Adam lets Vicky take back some control, encouraging her to come up with

romantic ideas of her own, which won’t necessarily lead to sex.

‘Many things can reactivate desire,’ she says. ‘Affectionate gestures like having a cuddle, sending flowers or even doing extra chores. Kindness and consideration can prompt desire.’

JO EXPLAINS that poor body image doesn’t just make a woman feel bad — it can prevent her from physically enjoying sex.

‘Feeling your body is unattractive means you tend to avoid sexual activity,’ explains Jo. ‘If you do have sex, poor body image reduces arousal, making it more difficult to achieve orgasm.’

A woman’s desire can also be profoundly affected by how she perceives her partner’s attitude towards her.

‘If a woman doubts her partner fancies her, that will disrupt desire even if he insists he does. Once again, poor self-image gets in the way.’

‘Vicky talks about her own body so negatively,’ says Adam. ‘But I’ve loved her for four years, and the only thing that’s changed is we’ve had a son together — which makes me love and respect her body more than ever.’

Is there a way forward for this couple, and the many others our survey shows are struggling with similar problems?

‘A good place to start is to believe your partner,’ says Jo Hemmings. ‘When someone says they want you, take those words as the truth.

‘It’s also worth remembering that a wobbly belly or heavy postbaby breasts don’t affect desirability anything like as much as women fear.

‘When it comes to the mechanics of sexual pleasure, your body shape and size don’t come into it.’

Vicky and Adam do at least have sex every month or so. But 30-year-old Ferdousye Aktar hasn’t been physical with her husband — with whom she used to have a healthy sex life — for more than two years. They’ve been married for four years, and together more than ten.

At a size 14-16 Ferdousye is around the average size but says she no longer feels attractive.

‘I used to be a size 10,’ she says. ‘But since having my baby three years ago, and becoming a stay-athome mum, my weight has crept up. I’ve been snacking out of boredom, eating with my son and then having an evening meal with my husband.

‘I used to love dressing up but not any more. I wear the same outfits on rotation — leggings and baggy tops. I won’t change clothes in front of my husband, let alone have sex with him.’

Ferdousye, a store manager, says the last time they had sex was a few months after they had become parents. She felt she had to show willing and yet she didn’t find it remotely enjoyable.

‘I just wanted to get it over with,’ she says.

‘What Ferdousye is feeling is much more than simple concern over weight gain,’ says Jo Hemmings.

‘As a full-time mother, her role has changed significantly — the transition back to lover from mother can be tough.

‘Ferdousye’s critical judgment of herself has seen her disconnect with her sexual side.

‘Even if she doesn’t want to have sex yet, there are many ways in which she can find the tenderness she needs — kissing, hugging and holding hands are all acts of intimacy.

‘If she feels ready to take it a step further, she could blindfold her husband during sex, which will help with her negative body image.’

At the moment, that feels a long way off to Ferdousye.

‘I’m really scared that if we do have sex and I go on top, he’ll tell me to get off because I’m crushing him! I’m frightened he’ll realise he doesn’t really want me.’

This destructive internal chatter is something countless women will relate to.

‘All the research shows that women become their own cruellest critic,’ says Lauren Callaghan.

‘We judge our own bodies, often unfairly, all the time. That’s hard enough when you’re fully dressed.

‘But if you’re lying there feeling vulnerable and thinking your partner is critiquing your naked body — which they are not — it becomes an extremely difficult situation to willingly put yourself in.’

LAUREN says this makes it more likely you will start doing things such as insisting you keep the lights off and your bra on. These are called ‘safety behaviours’ — things we do to protect ourselves.

The problem is that they tend to feed anxiety, making you feel even tenser, more inhibited and less creative during sex.

‘The whole thing becomes less about pleasure and more about being anxious,’ Lauren explains, ‘until you can’t even think about doing it without several glasses of wine — another safety behaviour — if you feel able to have sex all.’

Lauren suggests cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) could help both Vicky and Ferdousye.

‘We need to find ways to buffer ourselves against the false ideas modern media puts in our heads,’ she says. ‘We need to get to know our real bodies again.’

The good news, Lauren and Jo both say, is that you can make a real difference to the way you feel and reignite the passion in your relationship — starting tonight. One technique to try at home is a CBT exercise called mirror retraining.

‘Stand in front of a mirror and offer a neutral assessment of yourself,’ Lauren says.

‘Someone with poor body image will look at their reflection and notice things like crow’s feet, bingo wings or a muffin top — all very critical observations.’ Instead, you might look in the mirror and say: ‘I have a freckly nose and my eyes are dark brown, with laughter lines around the sides.

‘My shoulders have a scar from surgery. My arms are fleshy, with veins running down the inside of them.’

Over time, doing this can help you become less negative about your body, and feel more relaxed being naked with your partner. Lauren adds: ‘That will make you more likely to enjoy sex, which will feed a sense of wanting to do it again.

‘Also, as counter-intuitive as this might sound, stop doing the things — the safety behaviours — that make you feel ‘safer’ during sex, such as keeping the lights off and having a few glasses of wine first. These feed the idea that there’s something wrong with your body.

TEST yourself by having sex without those safety behaviours. You might even enjoy it more as a result.’

Jo Hemmings points out that sex is about more than pleasure. She explains: ‘When we climax the body produces hormones that bond us to our partner, making us feel safe and good about ourselves.

‘Sometimes, letting go of your fears and just doing it with the person you love can actually help you feel better.’

The vast majority of women in our survey — 68 per cent — told us that when they do make love they find it deeply fulfilling.

That’s heartening news, as is the experience of Jackie Gilbert, whose sex life was once just as dire as Vicky and Ferdousye’s. She lived through nearly two decades in which she and her husband Rob rarely had sex. Now aged 59, she’s happier than ever in her sex life — with the same man she has been married to for 33 years.

Jackie, a senior carer, says: ‘When I was younger, working and raising four sons, sex wasn’t on my radar. I wasn’t getting enough sleep, I had stretch marks and I felt so ugly I’d wonder why Rob even wanted to look at me.

‘It took until the boys, now in their 20s and 30s, were old enough to take care of themselves for us to rediscover our sex life.

‘Finding time for each other was key. Around our 25th wedding anniversary, we started going away as a couple and suddenly had hours alone to fill.

‘I let go of my body hang-ups — I made a conscious decision that life was too short to let them get in the way of having sex with my husband, who insisted he still fancied me.

‘I’m now finding sex truly satisfying. I just wish I’d found a way to start doing it again sooner.’

Clearly, then, there is hope for Vicky, and countless women like her. At the very least our survey proves that they’re far from alone — and hopefully will inspire them to change the mindset that’s stopping them from enjoying the kind of sex life every couple deserves.