My wife’s leaving me because of her terrible menopause
For what matters in life is not whether we receive a round of applause; what matters is whether we have the courage to venture forth despite the uncertainty of acclaim FROM A GENTLEMAN IN MOSCOW (2016) BY AMOR TOWLES
I HAVE been seeing a lot in the media lately concerning the menopause, but much of it seems to be rather jokey. What is missing is the effect this condition has on husbands and marriages.
The menopause has cost me the love of my life. At 64, I have little or no future to look forward to and I am considering ending it all.
My wife hit the menopause about five years ago when she started getting bad sweats and mood swings. I encouraged her to see a doctor for hormone replacement therapy (HRT), which she did, bringing an end to the sweats.
But the mood swings continued to worsen and I noticed a change in her personality. She basically stopped caring and seemed irritated by anything and everything I did or said.
She seemed hell-bent on an endless search for the perfect life and left home on two occasions, but made a complete mess of things and came back to try again — though she always returned with more debts that I had to clear up. I never blamed her for this and could only blame her biology.
In the past two years we had no marriage to speak of, no physical relationship and lots of severe tempers aimed at me. On one occasion, I had to dial 999.
Recently, things had improved and we had planned to spend Christmas week away in Europe. A week before we were due to go she announced that she had been seeing someone else, was leaving me and wanted a divorce.
This has ripped the heart out of me. Having stood by her for five years, I feel totally betrayed and have been considering suicide. I know this is a coward’s way out, but I am looking at being made destitute and homeless just before retirement beckons. I will not come out of any divorce with sufficient funds to start again.
Do I let her go and stew, and ignore calls for a divorce; or do I bite the bullet and wash my hands of her? I feel lost and so alone. Help me please. MICHAEL
MY HEART goes out to you in this terrible grief, and it’s clear how seriously you have been thinking about ending your life because in your longer letter you mention your chosen method.
So please, please listen carefully when I remind you the Samaritans are there day and night — phone the free helpline on 116 123, or (if it would help to write to them as you have to me) email: jo@samaritans.org (while realising that it may be a day before you receive a reply).
You have been through hell in the past five years, so your current despair is understandable. But ‘despair’ means a complete lack of hope, so I urge you to take some deep breaths and listen to me again when I say that there will be a future for you, with or without your wife.
You are quite right that there is too much flippancy about issues such as the menopause, although there are some very good, serious books on the subject.
You are surely not the first man to have witnessed a serious personality change at this stage, although, of course, the effects of the menopause can vary hugely from woman to woman. I would urge other couples reading this to take it seriously (see hse.ie/eng/ health/az/m/menopause) and be prepared for upsets.
Femail Magazine recently published a feature about women who had ditched their men after considerable weight loss — the point being that they, like your wife, experienced a mental change to match a physical change.
Reading that piece, I couldn’t help feeling sorry for their husbands, although we were invited to celebrate the women’s new lives. But is it so easy?
Many people fantasise about ‘the perfect life’. The trouble is, if they abandon all they know, they can find themselves in a far worse position. This might well prove to be the case with your wife.
What next for you? I think you should seek help urgently and ask your GP for medication for depression, explaining why you have been driven to the edge.
A key question must be whether or not you would wish your wife to return to you after this latest shock.
Twice you have welcomed her back and paid her debts, but such loyalty to your marriage vows sounds severely tested. In any case, it will surely be good for you to step back and let her know enough is enough.
If she believes she can continue trampling on you — even driving you from house and home after a divorce — she must be made to realise your time of victimhood is over. You have been pushed, and now it’s time to resist.
A cooling off period is essential; time in which to get professional help, seek legal advice, talk to friends, look at all options, think carefully about the future. You feel ‘lost’ at the moment, so need to draw yourself a map towards the next step. It can be done.
In five years, you will be younger than I am now, and that’s not old. You may come through this turmoil with your wife — forgiven — at your side, and grow old with her. Or become tougher and forge a new life, even meeting somebody new. You may even look back and realise that this was a new start.