HOW DARE MY FRIEND DATE MY EX!
I AM a 50-year-old divorcee, happily in a new relationship after 20 years in a great marriage that dissolved amicably — we have always remained good friends.
It was always my hope that my ex would find love again. But now this has happened, it is with a very good friend of mine. I am struggling not to let this get to me. We move in the same social groups and I am dreading seeing them together, not knowing how to act.
I feel I should try to be the better person and accept that it is time to let go. But I feel so betrayed by both of them. Is it too much to expect that people generally refrain from dating their friends’ exes? Or is the ‘modern way’ to see who you want? CATHY
THERE are certain nuggets of folk wisdom which last for centuries because of the fundamental truth expressed. In 1546, at England’s Tudor court, the question was asked: ‘Wolde ye bothe eat your cake and have (or keep) your cake?’
The Czechs say: ‘You can’t sit on two chairs at the same time.’ But the Germans prefer: ‘You can’t dance at two weddings at the same time.’ Across the Indian continent they say: ‘You can’t hold one sweet in both your hands.’ While the French advise you not to want the butter and the money you used to buy it. In the Dutch Caribbean, the creole language Papiamento is admirably succinct. It translates as: ‘Choose — or let choose.’
Are you getting my point?
Cathy, there’s much I’d like to discover, mainly whether it was you who moved your ‘great marriage’ towards its amicable end after meeting your new love. It’s what my instinct is telling me — although, of course, I could be mistaken.
It would also be interesting to know how long your ex has been alone, comforted all the while by your friendship and that hope that he ‘would find love again’.
It might well have been quite pleasant to be happy with a new man while knowing your husband still cherished feelings for you that seemed to prevent him starting a new relationship.
Believe me, from experience I know it can be hard, and a moment of sadness is understandable. But I think your sense of indignation and ‘betrayal’ is a step too far and must be controlled.
You ask: ‘Is it too much to expect that people generally refrain from dating their friends’ exes?’ I’m sure readers will have different views. But I can only say that if you genuinely care for a person, what matters is that they find happiness. If that happens to be in the company of somebody you know to be a good person, that is all the more cause for celebration. After all, he might have fallen in love with a stranger you detest.
Your question could be turned round: ‘Is it too selfish to expect my friend not to date my ex?’ My answer to is ‘Yes’. You see, you chose not to continue with the marriage, so now it is his right to choose to love where he wishes.
I suggest you come to terms with this situation. Do this for yourself, even if it means putting on a performance. Act with dignity and wish for them both the happiness that you currently enjoy — or else I fear you will lose two friends.