It’s time to reach out, even if your family is broken

DEAR BEL,

IN MY early 20s I moved away from my family to further my career. It was only 40 miles, but it meant I saw them mainly on weekends.

Initially, I’d travel back a few times a month but eventually I’d visit perhaps just the once, as I developed a life in a new place with a great career and new relationship.

In contrast, my parents have visited me about five times in ten years. Over the years, boyfriends have noticed and asked whether my parents are aware that the road goes both ways? Whenever I ask them to come to see me, there are always excuses, such as: ‘We’ve been busy and want to rest at the weekend, not drive for miles.’ That kind of thing.

They are always very happy to see me, but it makes me feel quite abandoned that they don’t make the effort to maintain any real relationship with me. I’m very surprised even to receive a text message from either of them, let alone a phone call.

I’ve had a great relationship with them all my life and know they’re proud of my achievements. They are just very bad at stepping outside their comfort zone. I used to think it was odd that they had both become estranged from brothers and sisters over the years, but I didn’t think they would allow a situation where their daughter might become estranged too.

I recently had a miscarriage, which devastated me, and I received one text message of condolence. I really feel like giving up now. I have my husband and hope for a baby in the future. Do I really need my old family too?

NAOMI

HERE are some words I admire, by Mother Teresa of Calcutta: ‘Let us make one point — that we meet each other with a

smile, when it is difficult to smile. Smile at each other, make time for each other within your family.’ This is more vital than ever in these dark times. Regular readers will know how important family is to me.

I always have to remind myself that my own truth is not (sadly) true for others.

But I still hold fast to the ideal expressed by Mother Teresa: a family should be there for each other to offer smiles and support when the going gets tough.

But she adds that we must ‘make time’ — because, after all, if you don’t make time for the family, how can you expect them to be ready with good cheer and a helping hand?

Surely now the truth of that is clearer than ever?

But while I am used to urging younger people to be sure to keep in touch with older relatives (and please do so — even if you haven’t phoned for years, phone now), this letter is a reminder that, as you say, the traffic has to go both ways.

Blessed with parents who would cross the earth to help me, and feeling the same way about my own children, I was quite shocked by your letter.

How could they allow their daughter to feel ‘abandoned’? How could they write her a measly text after the sadness of a miscarriage? Is this really a ‘great’ relationship?

Forgive me; it’s not for me to criticise people I don’t know.

Have you ever told them how you feel?

Sometimes I think we make ourselves suffer more because of dignified silence and that a wail of ‘For heaven’s sake — look at me!’ is needed to break down the barriers people erect between each other.

I’m assuming both your parents were brought up with little emotional support. That they lost touch with siblings underlines this.

You don’t say how old they are. But if you abandon them now, as you have felt abandoned, what will happen when one of them dies? Who will be there with a smile and support?

This — surely — is one of the big questions for our times. The scourge of coronavirus shouts to us that everybody needs to think hard about priorities and waht they need to do in these times of worldwide crisis, for themselves and for their families.

You ask whether you need your old family. Only you can find the answer within your heart — although I suspect it will be: ‘Yes.’

But my point is that they need you. They may not realise it, but I don’t think the blindness of others should ever make us put on blinkers ourselves.

I repeat —it’s time for all families to reach out to each other.

So please don’t give up on them. And don’t any of you let old estrangements continue. Be the one to smash the frozen sea.

If we were not so single-minded about keeping our lives moving, and for once could do nothing, perhaps a huge silence might interrupt this sadness of never understanding ourselves…. FROM KEEPING QUIET BY PABLO NERUDA (CHILEAN POET AND POLITICIAN 1904-1973)