The reasons why you should NEVER hide your diagnosis of cancer from your children
Experts say honesty really is the best policy when there is a serious illness in the family
RECEIVING a cancer diagnosis is one of the most difficult things someone could face in life. And as a parent or grandparent, it can be hard to know what to say to the children in your family.
Arc Cancer Support is going online to offer parents and grandparents in this difficult situation the chance to get some expert advice on the subject, to help them navigate these difficult waters.
Yvonne O’Meara, systemic psychotherapist, and senior medical social worker with Our Lady’s Hospice and Care Service, Harold’s Cross, will take parents through the challenges of dealing with their cancer diagnosis when it comes to children, and offer them a range of practical tools in talking to the young people in their lives.
‘Parents have always had an instinct to protect their child and often it can be construed that protecting their child is not telling them about something that they perceive to be sad.
‘But for the majority of children cancer is a word they have no relationship with. By not talking about it, it makes them feel it is so bad they can’t speak about it,’ Yvonne says.
‘By encouraging parents to speak it allows the child’s feelings to be detected in the best possible way.’
Many of us would be inclined to try and shield our children from bad news, believing it to be an adult concern, but Yvonne believes this is not the way forward.
‘There are significant benefits to a parent or grandparent talking to a child about a cancer diagnosis,’ Yvonne says. Close to a quarter of all cancer diagnosis will have a child in the house who is under 18.
THE biggest gift that we can give our children regardless of what topic that might be is that they come to us with a question, she continues.
‘If you include them in this diagnosis they will come to us with that question instead of keeping it in. The last thing that you want is for a child to turn detective within the home as that can lead to ill-constructed thoughts.’
Being open about cancer — and any other illness — is also beneficial for the adult.
‘The benefits for a parent is that they don’t have to watch what they are saying to others. Keeping a secret is absolutely exhausting and contrary to what any cancer patient should be doing,’ Yvonne says. ‘It is really a matter of looking after their mental health as well as their physical health. You need to have faith in the child’s ability to cope.
‘You cannot stop a child feeling sad, it is an natural part of life but you can support them in their sadness and teach them valuable life lessons which are key to the overall development and function of a child as they enter into adulthood.’
The way you address your child is also important.
‘It’s important that the person who has the cancer comes to terms with the illness first and has a good understanding of what
is going on with them before they talk to their children,’ Yvonne says. ‘If you were to ask a child who they would want to hear information from, I can guarantee you they would answer the person closest to them and not a stranger.
‘So the Zoom presentation for Arc Cancer Support is empowering parents to give them the skillset and support and the validation to talk to the children. Coming from the parents is really key because you are setting a precedent and deepening the relationship.’
How and where you tell your child the news is up to you but it is important to provide time and space for them to ask questions.
‘Making space and time is important — good places to talk are in the car or walking as there is less eye contact,’ says Yvonne.
‘Depending on the age of your children you may have to separate them into groups but it is important that everyone knows. It is really important to use clear and precise language - not lump or bump - but to use the word cancer, and to explain in layman’s terms what that is.’
If you would like information or if you think you would like to attend the ARC Cancer Support Centres’ Talking to Children About Cancer free Zoom talk which takes place this Wednesday
May 27 at 2.30pm, you can register for free by emailing linda@arccancersupport.ie.
If you wish to donate to ARC’s new emergency fundraising appeal, visit arccancersupport.ie or text “ARC” to 50300 to donate €4. ARC Cancer Support Centres will receive a minimum of €3.60 from your donation.