Yes! Don’t wait another 20 years
STEPH SAYS:
YOUR letter must have taken a great deal of courage to write and I thank you for that. In fact, I want to give you a virtual hug on behalf of all the women reading this who find themselves in a similar position.
The truth is, in ‘normal’ life, it’s entirely possible to distract yourself from the fact you’re unhappy in your marriage. But spending four months together with no other company will reveal the cracks — and, if you’re not communicating properly as friends and lovers, there’s little you can do to repair it.
By coincidence, 23 years is exactly the same time Dom and I have been married. We all change over such a long time. At the start, we focus on each other, then on children — and when they’re gone, we start to remember who we were before it all, and often find we are someone completely different. It happens to us all; no one is at fault.
If your marriage was functioning well, you would expect your husband to turn to you to help him with the shock and feelings of rejection after losing his job, and together you would get through his devastation. To my mind, the fact he has not done so only confirms the wisdom of your decision to leave.
As I read your words, I sense a finality. Words such as ‘unhappy’ and ‘trapped’ convey strong feelings. What you’re asking of us isn’t advice on whether to do it at all, but permission to do so now.
Do I consider you cruel doing it now at a difficult emotional time for him? No. You’re not a bad person for wanting happiness in your life. Yes, it’s bad timing but that’s not your fault, and it’s not your job to smooth it all over or find consolation prizes for your husband at the expense of your own wellbeing.
I would advise you to continue the emotional journey you’ve begun — to steel yourself and be selfish. Now is the time to stop thinking about everybody else.
Yes, the conversation will be hard — it would be under any circumstances — and I don’t presume to tell you how to do it because you’re the one who knows him best. But I would advise you to be unwaveringly honest: by being so, there is a finality for him, too. What would be cruel is to suggest a ‘trial’ separation if there isn’t any hope of you changing your mind.
Have a plan at the ready in terms of when you think you’ll move out and where you might live, so that all the answers are there when he asks. You’re much more likely to stand firm if you’ve thought it all through.
It would be tragic to wake up in 20 years’ time and still be unhappy. I wish you luck.