Set money, TV and phone limits

DOM SAYS:

I HAVE every sympathy for your situation and must reassure you that you are not alone. The difficulty for all of us is that, now we’re working from home, we’re all spending more time with our spouses than we previously were. We’ve all had to come to terms with lockdown, and yes, at our age, it is a bit like prep for retirement. So I do understand your concerns.

I must tell you that I’m also familiar with the problem of having a loved one who likes to watch nothing but sport! It is irritating at the best of times if you’re not wildly into it — and I’m not — darts, football, wrestling, whatever it is, my son loves them all, but I really don’t. You have to deal with it and allow them time to indulge their habit and then move on.

The other issue is the mobile phone. This is a problem. And again, it’s one which will be familiar to countless households. In our family we have a policy of going dark for a couple of hours in the evening. We put our phones on aeroplane mode and, just like that, we are off grid. Of course, there’s the landline for emergencies, but turning our mobiles off means Steph and I have time to ourselves.

The reality is phones, laptops and whatever do interrupt relationships. You’re not wrong to feel slighted that he’s not watching a film with you, that he’s checking his Facebook page (or whatever it may be) instead. There’s nothing wrong with telling him you’re fed up with him being on the phone — a quick ‘I’m over here!’ Might go a long way. You need to tell him not to forget about you. If he does, you might forget about him too!

The other aspect of your problem is the gambling. You say his bets are almost daily. Well, if you’re financially OK, he’s obviously good at it, but I’d warn you that gamblers do often pitch themselves as winners. It’s often said that you only hear about the wins and never the losses, and I’m no expert, so it might be wise to seek further advice on this. For a start you could visit begambleaware.org.

It seems to me that, in general, you should set limits. For sport, money spent on gambling and time on the phone — and also for shouting at the TV. It’s fine occasionally, but it’s disrespectful in the long term and if he’s going to be yelling away he should do it in another room.

You say you don’t want your husband to feel you’re telling him off, but this is an early warning system. It’s no bad thing to send a shot across the bows. Remind him that getting on in age doesn’t mean you don’t respect your wife and family.