Should my grandchild have frozen me out for my views?

When one glove is missing, both are lost. Today’s craft fair is tomorrow’s car boot sale. The guitarist gently weeps, not the guitar, I am your father and this is the way things are. FROM THE WAY THINGS ARE, BY ROGER MCGOUGH (ENGLISH POET, BORN 1937)

DEAR Bel,

DURING the first lockdown, one of my grandchildren, Jade stayed with me. I’ve had so much to do with her upbringing and paid for extra lessons etc. We baked, walked the dogs, watched TV.

My daughter, Anna, is divorced and was grateful as she was moving house and also had to work.

In August, Jade’s brother, Dan, came over along with his mum. One day, Jade started calling Dan ‘white privilege boy’. He didn’t know what she meant, as he felt he didn’t come from wealth.

She started going on about Black Lives Matter and what it means, saying it’s right to topple statues. Things quickly escalated to include sexual orientation and immigration.

Jade is bisexual. Dan asked how she knew that, and asked whether bisexuality could be a lifestyle choice. He was told to go and educate himself, but remained very calm and asked her to explain it to him.

Things went from bad to worse. I was accused of being transphobic as I said I agreed with J.K. Rowling’s statement following an article which referred to ‘people who menstruate’. (It doesn’t bother me what people are, but does concern me that prepubescent children are being given hormones so easily instead of in-depth discussion taking place).

Things turned to immigration. I used to deal with immigration law in a solicitor’s office. I knew which were genuine asylumseekers (for example, from photographic evidence of torture) and who were purely economic migrants, i ncluding criminals.

Jade didn’t like what I was saying about the issues — which are far from simple — and accused me of being antediluvian, whereas at 71, I feel that I’m open-minded and tolerant.

In the end, distraught at her shouting and accusations, I suggested Jade should go and stay with her mum.

Jade has not contacted either of us now she has started uni, and will not answer texts, emails or calls. She has blocked her mother and myself — we have been cancelled.

We have tried contacting her dad, but he’s remarried and has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me or Anna.

I am devastated she wants nothing to do with us. What can I do?

BARBARA

THERE is nothing new about family disputes over political attitudes, and they can cause great distress between generations - and can result in ending friendships, too.

These days, it feels much worse because the internet has ‘lured’ people into pernicious echo chambers full of selfreinforcing views.

Their emotional opinions are shored up and inflamed by countless others, so that they become enraged when faced with the realisation that (shock, horror) not everybody feels the same.

Then they simply can’t cope — so retreat into rage, followed by ‘cancellation’ — which is rather like a young child sticking their finger in their ear and screaming, ‘No No, No’ to drown out all other sounds. This has happened within your family—and everywhere.

When the squabble between the two siblings began, it would have been wise to step away, wouldn’t it? But hindsight is a fine thing.

Like you, I would have been irritated by her kneejerk parroting of slogans such as ‘white privilege’ — although I do wonder whether Dan said anything to provoke her, winding his sister up. But Jade has clearly grabbed a bag of fashionable, liberal views and doesn’t want to hear any alternatives.

Your experience working with immigration cases, and therefore understanding important distinctions within them, would have cut no ice with a young woman whose whole identity is tied up with a package of views her friends are bound to share. In Jade’s eyes, she is good while the rest of you (except her dad) are the baddies.

For the moment, there is probably nothing to be done except be patient — and understand she is a caring person. At the moment she is in an environment which will be supporting all her objections to people who dare to have a different view.

I can see it is desperately hurtful for you to see your former closeness evaporate, but I don’t think you and Anna should bombard her with messages.

But it would be wise for your daughter to do everything in her power to heal the rift with her ex, explaining to him that they need to have a conversation for the sake of Jade’s long-term good.

Sooner or later the girl will need her mother and grandmother, and so the channels need to be kept open.

I’d hope he would see sense of being helpful — and that in time Jade will realise that life is big and complicated, and can’t be forced into ideological boxes.

For now, try to focus on Anna and Dan, and (when Jade comes back) perhaps follow my lead and put a ban on divisive politics in the house.